tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10269898412445947402024-03-12T18:22:32.906-07:00Narcissistic EchoBecause that's what a blog is. Am I right?jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.comBlogger301125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-59106173081153065292016-07-05T11:36:00.000-07:002016-07-05T11:46:06.340-07:00Utah in June: Week OneWe just finished up a fun week at my parents' house. It is a great time to get out of the desert (we missed some major triple digit heat), and it is always wonderful to be with family.<br />
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We traveled all Thursday and got there at night. The next day my mom took me to the Provo Mayor's Breakfast. She had requested two tickets because the keynote speaker was Tim Ballard, the founder of Operation Underground Railroad. It was a free event, so we drove to BYU a little early to snag good seats. We were perhaps a little underdressed, but it was an amazing program. I haven't felt particularly patriotic in years, but this "prayer breakfast" modeled after the presidential breakfast stirred up my inner proud American. The food was yummy, and the speaker was excellent. (He is doing some amazing work, and his stories were just heart-breaking. Look him up.) Just being there made me feel like an important person, when in fact I am just a mom from Arizona. I felt like we snuck in or something-- It is amazing that they open that sort of thing up to the public.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">I snuck one little picture before they served the breakfast. Hello yummy yogurt. </td></tr>
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We stayed on the BYU campus and went to the book store afterward. I hadn't been there in a while. It was strange to see how many featured authors I had met before.<br />
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Dan and Asher enjoyed my dad's golf cart. Asher is an amazingly confident driver. At night Chad and Clara came over to hang out and play games. They of course brought their kids and Clara's brother Thomas. We played a game called Pandemic that I liked. They spent the night and left the next morning.<br />
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Saturday the weather was fantastic. I love when it is cloudy and rainy- I should probably move to Oregon or something. I walked around outside while it was cloudy and talked with my Aunt Joanne in the garden. (She lives in the back house on my parent's property.) Dan took me out driving in the golf cart after he took the kids. It started to rain while we were out, and I just smiled. I didn't care that I was wet and cold. It was great. My dad took us out to the Art City Trolley for dinner (YUM) and we watched Zootopia at their house at night.<br />
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Sunday we went to church, but we didn't stay all three hours since the kids were crazy and it was their Stake Conference. My parents hosted their regular Sunday night dinner, and Chad and his family came back with more games. Tracy was there as well, but the Bourgeouses were on vacation so we missed them. I talked a bit with Tracy and some of us played another cooperative game called Forbidden Island. It was another late night. Dan left to go spend the night at Ron's house in Paradise. (They replaced the brakes on our car the next day, and I didn't see him until late Monday night.)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">The library had this display that put you, as art, into "book pages" on screen. Cool.</td></tr>
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On Monday my mom took the kids and me to the Springville library. It is a beautiful building, and pretty cool as far as libraries go. The kids picked three books each- and then we took a quick trip to Walmart. We visited my dad's warehouse on the way back home, and we ate lunch late. Asher and Gwen quietly read until my mom drove us to Thanksgiving Point where we met up with Chad and Clara and their kids. Chad got a pass from his employers that covered all of our entry costs to the museums there, so we visited the Museum of Ancient Life and then moved on to the Museum of Natural Curiosity. Both museums were phenomenal. My favorite room in the dino museum was dark and lit up all around with lights like little stars- you could hardly see where you were going. The room had amazing acoustics, I sang a little bit in there because my mom said I should. There were so many cool things in the other museum that I can't pick a favorite. If I had enough money I would build a curiosity museum in Gilbert. The kids had a great time. Ezra was a champ in the stroller almost the whole time.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">"Digging" bones and putting them together. </td></tr>
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Tuesday afternoon Dan and I went to the new Provo City Temple. The parking was crazy, but we found a space eventually. I guess it is a smaller temple- it was beautiful but didn't seem very new. I guess they wanted that old building feeling, so they kept the scarred wood and old spiral staircases. After the temple we wanted to continue our date, so we changed our clothes and went to Wingers. Dan got wings, and I got a salad. My salad was so-so, but the wings were great. After we came home we went on a walk with my mom. We walked through a huge house that is being built. After we got back we watched a really cheesy church movie called 16 Stones. Tracy left right before it was over, which made me laugh. She just couldn't make herself care about it.<br />
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Wednesday we had our niece Amanda over with her husband and two kids. It was great to talk with them, but they couldn't stay long. After lunch Dan took Asher and Gwen to the Williams' house to swim. I stayed with Ezra while he was napping, so I missed that event. I guess Lisa wasn't there either, so the wives missed out. Hopefully we will get both of our families together next time we are in town.<br />
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In the evening I went with Tracy to hike Stewart Falls. It is four miles total, but it isn't hard. It was nice to be alone with Tracy. I feel like that never happens. We talked a lot and took some pictures. Sadly the falls were pretty crowded, but we still stayed a while. The mist made it cold there, and the clouds were moving fast in the sky. We got back to the car just before dark. Oh- and I found a shard of glass in her car that had apparently been there a year. Crazy.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">The Shard.</td></tr>
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Thursday Kristy came over with her kids because they had gotten home from their trip the night before. Clara also came with her kids, and eventually we all got over to the Springville Art Museum. Clara had never been. I feel like I go every time I visit my parents, but I like that place. It is a manageable size and they are always changing out their art. It is amazing how many local artists there are. The kids room was closed, but they opened up a new sculpture garden where the kids played for a while. Also, the kids did an art hunt and got to pick little treasures from a box.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Maybe they weren't allowed to climb on the statue, so shhhh.</td></tr>
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Thursday night I went to the girl who always does Tracy's hair; Nicole at Stewart Palmer Salon. She made me look AWESOME. I hadn't gotten my hair done in probably more than a year, and now I look so much better. Haha.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Best picture of me in more than a year. Because... look at my hair.</td></tr>
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Friday morning Dan and I went to Hruska's Kolaches in Provo. Weird name, yummy breakfast. They serve kolaches, a Czech/Texas pastry with sweet or savory filling. They open at 6:30am and serve until they run out. Unfortunately, when we got there at 9:00ish they had run out. They were still making them though, so we waited around and got the only flavor they had: bacon cheese and egg. It was good.<br />
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We tried Hruska's again on Saturday before we drove up to Aspen Grove. They were still very busy, but they had more flavors so we bought two sweet and two savory flavors to take home so that everyone could try what they wanted. I liked them all. I would want to open one of these in Gilbert if I were rich and skinny.<br />
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Now we are at Aspen Grove, and I will do a different blog post when we are done here. We've been having a blast! Thank you Utah!<br />
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PS I did an epic amount of laundry at my parents' house and I didn't think it was important enough to note every time I washed something or made lunch for someone. Also, I read one of my mom's books in the first part of the week: "Lady Helen Finds her Song" by Jennifer Moore. She was one of the authors I took a class from last month.<br />
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-81930222649640904812016-04-10T19:37:00.004-07:002016-04-11T22:45:16.867-07:00I have a lot of catching up to do. Hey blog. It's been awhile. How are you? Feeling neglected? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not going to make any excuses- we both know who is at fault here. I mean, your formatting is terrible and the trends are turning away from personal blogs, but I know if I had just made you a priority we wouldn't be in this situation. I am a monster, please forgive me.<br />
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FYI I'm planning on going back in time (cause I can do that on this blog) and LaterBlogging on a bunch of stuff that happened that I didn't post about. All those posts will have an asterisk in the title. This is all strictly for my own benefit- this is my online journal and I can do what I want to. Right now I want to give a recap of some stuff from the past month or so.<br />
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Easter happened (fairly recently by this blog's standards- exactly two weeks ago, so no asterisk). We dyed eggs the night before, but we mostly painted them with water colors and drew on the hot eggs with melting crayons. Ezra still can't really participate in anything egg related. He would have broken the hard boiled ones, and he didn't care about finding the plastic ones. Someday. <br />
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The kids got a lot of candy: taffy, chocolate, jelly beans, Cadbury eggs. They each got a book in their basket as well as a small toy. I bought new outfits for Ezra and Gwen, but not Asher. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and he didn't care, but I still feel a little guilty about excluding him. I only had so much money on that H&M gift card.<br />
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We had Easter dinner at the Stecks house because they are nice people who think about others. We never have dinners at our house anymore- we haven't done a Talk 'n' Tacos for quite a while. Maybe we should bring those back. Anyway, the Steck's house looked like a Pinterest dream come true and the food was amazing. The rolls I made were great, but the deviled eggs we brought were weird because we didn't have any mayonnaise.<br />
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I've been trying to garden, but things are stunted. I tried to fertilize some plants and ended up killing all but one of my tomato seedlings. So, I still stink at gardening despite checking up on the plants every day and reading all about them. Oh well, I guess I will continue to try.<br />
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I teach 10-12 voice and piano students every week, mostly in the afternoon after school. I just went to see one of my students in an original musical (The Pied Piper) and the show was weird but she was awesome. I love seeing my students perform. Another one will be playing Alice (of Wonderland fame) next month.<br />
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I'm still doing Pilates twice a week, but I'm going to have to go down to once because it is expensive. I get on the elliptical sometimes, but I need to do better at that. I tried a boot camp class two weeks ago and I almost died. I would totally go back if it wasn't such high impact stuff on such an unforgiving surface. I'm getting too old to bounce around on a basketball court for 45 minutes. My bones were more sore than my muscles.<br />
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I've read 8 books so far this year, for book club and for fun. I've been slowing down with my writing, but I shouldn't be. Right now I'm trying to write articles- the size of an article is a little more manageable than the scope of a musical, screenplay, or book. Of course I'm still chipping away at those big projects too, but I hope it will feel good just to finish something. I STINK at finishing things. I never finish anyth<br />
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The kids are still great kids. They are hilarious and entertaining and fun. Asher is having some organizational problems in school that have turned into grade problems... but he still loves his friends and he is at a 6th grade reading level so whatever. Gwen is a perfect student and a good helper, and a new neighbor moved in and she made a friend- they are always playing together at the park. Ezra is constantly impressing his Physical Therapist. He is getting close to walking and can now climb all of our steps as of two days ago.<br />
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Ok. That's all for now. See you in the past. Or the future. I'm unpredictable. Or maybe just unreliable. Again, sorry about that.<br />
<br />jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-82414996882499368052015-07-07T14:24:00.000-07:002015-07-24T14:26:00.801-07:00Utah Start to FinishWe stayed with my parents in Utah for three weeks. I had always wanted to "bug out" for the scorching Arizona summer, and we finally did it. Unfortunately it seemed like we brought the heat with us, but at least it cooled down in the morning and at night. And there were other perks. My mom and dad were terrific hosts, I got to see my Utah family a lot, and my kids enjoyed playing with their cousins. I also got a break from my daily grind. I will now sum up how we spent our time.<br />
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The first week we took it pretty easy. Gwen woke up in the middle of the night two nights in a row. Once was just coughing, the next time she threw up. Dan felt sick on and off. We were tired. So we ended up hanging out with family, going on a very few outings, and binge watching <i>Marvel Agents of Shield</i>. I also finished a book and read a trilogy. I exercised a bit, sometimes with Tracy sometimes on my own. We sat around and chatted a lot, but there were other things we did as well.<br />
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To sum up our activities for the first week and a half: we tried to meet Tracy at a rodeo but it was sold out so we went to Discovery Park instead, Dan and I went to a few amazing properties as part of the Parade of Homes, we went to church and my parents hosted their epic family Sunday dinner, We celebrated Fathers Day with homemade signs and store bought cake, I had two exercise nights with Tracy, we hosted Dan's friend and business partner Ron who stayed the night at my parent's house (while Dan and Asher went to a baseball game with Chad and Clara's family), we went to the Provo Food Truck Roundup then to Tracy's place, we watched The Imitation Game all together at my parent's house, we had a picnic with the whole Utah family (minus the ever-traveling Tracy) up in the mountains, and we had another church day followed by the epic family gathering. My cousin Trina was there with her kids, and I hadn't spoken with her in about ten years. It was so great to catch up. If we lived close I'm sure we would be really good friends. I also got to talk to my uncle Dale and aunt Teresa. Dale told us some epic stories from his childhood... and by epic I mean shocking and scary. I spoke with my aunt Joanne several times as well; she lives in my parent's back house so she is around a lot. She is a great person to talk to.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Saturday picnic. </td></tr>
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We really started picking up the pace on the second Monday. Dan took me to one of our favorite local restaurants, Magleby's, for lunch. My mom and Kristy and I took our kids to a splash pad/park in the afternoon; it was a <i>really</i> hot day.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gwen tried to stop the water jets with her feet, Asher went around punching and kicking the water.</td></tr>
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Tuesday I went for a morning jog, started washing our car (Dan finished), and then met our friends Jon and Lisa Williams at the Springville Museum of Art. We had our kids, they had theirs. Gwen and Jane were friends immediately. After exploring the museum (I love that place!) we went back to my parent's house for lunch and more talking. They are cool people. After they left, we got in the car and drove to my brother's house for dinner. He and Clara made some awesome burgers and salad and we had a great time playing Catch Phrase and talking.<br />
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Wednesday morning I took the kids to the Aquarium in Draper to meet up with Clara and her kids. The cousins had a blast together. The aquarium was the nicest and largest I had ever seen, and it had great food and a fun playroom for the kids. We ended up heading home in the afternoon, and then Dan and I went to the new Payson temple. After that I went to the mall with Tracy and she showed me one of her favorite stores before we both got pedicures. Mom met us there but they couldn't squeeze her in which I thought was pretty lame, especially since my mom just ended up dropping me off at a movie theater to meet Dan for a date afterward- I felt like a teenager or something having my mom drive me around. I am so grateful for her. Dan had put our kids to bed and we saw a late showing of <i>The Avengers: Age of Ultron</i>. It was a good action movie.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ezra was in his stroller and Asher is pretending like he needs to hold on to the tail or he will fall/die. </td></tr>
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Thursday our family ate lunch at the Art City Trolley which is a cute little restaurant with a hipster/antique vibe. The food was AMAZING. I went to my sister Kristy's house and the cousins played, then we all had dinner at their house. Dan left around dinner to drive to Ron's house so he could spend the night and the next day with him and his family.<br />
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Since Dan was gone Friday, I did a lot of laundry and cleaning. I watched this silly Mormon/mafia mashup movie with my kids and my mom called <i>Inspired Guns</i>. Asher loved it. I could appreciate things about it.<br />
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Saturday was Independence day and Dan and I took our older two kids to see the new Pixar movie <i>Inside Out</i>. We were SO impressed by that movie. That's all I will say, because I could write a book about that story and its execution but I have neither the time nor the space. Let's just say we recommend it. Gwen hopped into my arms and cried a little during the last half of the movie because she had so many feelings. Anyway, afterward we went to the food court and sub-zero ice-cream so Gwen could have a pink shake. It was cotton candy flavored and I snuck some and it was delicious. Later my parents hosted a big dinner and then a street firework show. I caught the first half, but I missed all of his arial stuff because I was putting Ezra to bed. But I went outside and sat with some family and watched other fireworks from people shooting them off in the neighborhood. Utahans LOVE fireworks, especially in July.<br />
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Sunday was another church/family day, complete with the normal BBQ feast. I miss doing that every week, but it was fun to be there for three in a row.<br />
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Monday Dan and I took all the kids to Salt Lake City. Our first stop was this place called Les Madelines that my friend Nicole (who did the Big Sur trip with us) had recommended. It was CLOSED. I was SO BUMMED. I'm going to be thinking about that place until I can go back. After we drove by the capital building and then took a tour of the conference center. The kids didn't seem to think it was cool or interesting that the roof had flourishing plant life everywhere; maybe it was because it doesn't seem like a roof while you are walking around on it. Anyway, I walked the kids around temple square while Dan worked in the car for a bit. We went to lunch at a place called Blue Lemon in the mall across from the temple. The mall was very cool and if I hadn't had my family with me I could have looked around there all day. As it was Ezra wouldn't nurse and the kids were tired.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not the best picture, but you get the drift.</td></tr>
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Tuesday my grandma took our little family to lunch back at the Art City Trolley. I got a different salad that was just as delicious as the first. After she treated us to lunch we went back to her house and she gave my kids candy, chips, gum, and ice cream sundaes! When I refused that stuff because I was full from lunch she said, and I quote, "That's terrible." Ha! I love my grandma, she lives to serve others and to make people happy. I talked with her for a bit and I always love talking with her. Apparently her dad was a real-life "Steve Rodgers" (Captain America): he was a small man but he wanted to fight so badly that he just kept going to the recruitment office even though he knew they would turn him away. Eventually they gave in and let him fight. My grandma always has new and interesting things to share. I should have packed my family up Tuesday night, but we decided to go on a hike with Tracy and her friends. My mom and my whole family hiked Stewart Falls, which took a little longer than we thought and zapped our energy more than we expected. We had to take turns carrying Ezra, and Gwen was a little slow. We seriously got to the falls, took a couple minutes to breathe, and then started back. We hiked a significant portion of the way back in the dark! It was an adventure, and even though our bodies felt like they might fall apart afterward, we had a great time. We felt like we accomplished something.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dan was pretending Asher was a prisoner at this point. "March! Don't try anything funny..."</td></tr>
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Wednesday we all left for the Grand Canyon... but that is another post.<br />
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I would love to do this again next year if my parents would let us. Ezra had a hard time adjusting at first, but I think he got used to the new places and faces within a few days. He also learned how to scoot/army crawl on his belly while we were there, so I think Utah is good luck! His PT was very impressed with him when we got home.<br />
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Thanks Utah family! We really had a great time.<br />
<br />jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-63325115410826557222015-04-11T15:38:00.001-07:002015-04-11T22:30:03.345-07:00Adventures with Ezra and EasterOn Thursday I had an appointment with a GI specialist for Ezra. It was at a Mesa location for Phoenix Children's and when I drove up I thought "I remember this place!" I hadn't been there since Ezra had his CAT scan when he was four or five months old. I almost thought I dreamed this place, where there is plenty of parking in the front and you can just walk right on in. I have been to many specialist locations, and to the PCH in Phoenix a dozen times and a different Mesa location a handful of times. It was kind of nice to come back to this place, just to know I wasn't crazy and that this building really did exist. Plus, the people were really friendly the first time we were here.<br />
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I met a lady in the lobby who was a former nurse and a foster mother to two babies. She had a medical binder as thick as my arm for the boy. He had a different chromosome disorder than Ezra, and she told me he had had open heart surgery. Meeting so many other kids with issues (from all the hospital trips we've had) makes me marvel at the human body, and at the human spirit.<br />
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When we finally got into our room, Ezra had a hard time. He is not loving hospitals nowadays. Any place where I have to take his clothes off, where there is crinkly paper on the squishy tables, and where people poke and prod him sends him into a panic. He cries and shuts down. I have to hold him the whole time.<br />
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They almost re-weighed him because he weighed less than their previous records of him. You know, the records they had from over ten months ago. I had to confirm, yes, he does weigh less than when he was four months old.<br />
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We finally met the doctor, and she was a no-nonsense business-like woman. She was there to solve our problems. She did no tests, she only asked about his history. She told me I needed to try harder with weaning him, with his eczema, with feeding him more calories. His current therapists weren't right for him, I needed a new and better team of people. I wasn't doing enough. What were my thoughts on the G-tube?<br />
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This is why doctor visits stress me out, it's aways like a slap in the face. It's not enough that I put on a song and dance show every time I want Ezra to eat more, that I pretend to be in love with the honey bear so that maybe he will try to drink from it one day. It is not enough that I am still breastfeeding him although I would <i>like</i> to be done so that I can finally start to lose my substantial baby weight (50 pounds isn't a fun amount of extra weight to carry). It is not enough that I schedule for him, even though I am not organized and do not prefer to spend my time driving to appointments. It's not enough that I work with his little body personally every day, knowing which muscles need to exercise. None of it will ever be enough for these doctors, because he still has problems. He still has low tone. He still has intestinal problems. He still isn't crawling. He still is below the weight charts. His head still isn't growing. I feel like I am failing a very important test, and these people are shaking their heads like <i>you should have studied harder, Dummy. </i>I want to yell "The test is rigged! I can't do any better than this! I'm trying my best."<br />
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So I told her I'm not opposed to the G-tube, but maybe it might be nice to try the NG-tube first because it is less invasive and doesn't require surgery. And really, could she give me a little bit more time to try to feed him normally? Ezra had lost weight due to a month of sickness, and he was doing so much better. He is never sluggish or dazed-looking, actually he is usually smiling and happy. He is feeding well now, and we started to turn a corner recently, could she please wait?<br />
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So now we need to go and get weight checks every two weeks. She gave me a list of people to call and things to get from the drugstore for his skin, for his food, for his colon. And so it goes.<br />
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And now for something completely different!<br />
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Easter. It happened. I dyed eggs with Asher and Gwen while Dan was gone. Asher says that his favorite color is pink right now, and that is fine by me. We, I mean the Easter Bunny, hid eggs inside because it is already starting to get hot. The Easter Bunny left some baskets for the kids with candy, a book, bubbles, games, and a toy. We watched an epic amount of church on TV. It was a great day. <br />
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<br />jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-77579473974043159382015-03-31T14:22:00.000-07:002015-04-11T14:31:35.723-07:00Jesterz with the kids<div style="text-align: center;">
Jesterz is a family friendly improv company in Mesa. We've been before, because we love clean comedy. I actually gave Dan a few gift certificates to this place for Christmas this year. </div>
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Recently Jesterz has been partnering with different actors from Studio C. My kids LOVE Studio C right now. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look them up on YouTube: there are a plethora of sketches to watch. We decided to go to James Perry's matinee, and I was crossing my fingers that the kids would like it. We asked them if they wanted to take pictures with him afterwards. Asher didn't want to, and Gwen said "First I'll see the show, then I will decide." She must have liked what she saw, because we waited in line and snapped this cute shot.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Look, I found a small child!"</td></tr>
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Gwen was quiet for most of the show, Asher laughed hysterically for the first thirty minutes, and Ezra was at home napping with a sitter. Dan and I enjoyed ourselves as usual. (That makes us sound like regulars. We're not, because we rarely go on dates. However I can say with certainty that we've never had a bad time at Jesterz.) Anyway thanks James Perry and Jesterz for the fun afternoon, and for adding the word "muhlarge" (a cross between medium and large) to my kid's vocabulary. </div>
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-60358635795367551842015-03-30T00:28:00.000-07:002015-04-11T14:31:17.377-07:00Cinderella and Tooth-hurtyOur Spring Break vacation was a little shorter than it normally would have been, because I had purchased two tickets for Cinderella at the Gammage Theater on Friday the 13th. We had to go home or sell the tickets, and I didn't want to sell them. I was excited to see Cinderella, because it was newly re-vamped Rogers and Hammerstein, and I love a good modernized classic.<br />
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As Dan and I walked from the parking garage to the theater, we saw dozens of little girls dressed up as princesses. It was precious, and it made me think how nice it would have been to take Gwen and Asher. I consoled myself by remembering that I bought four tickets for The Phantom of the Opera in May. </div>
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The theater was packed. Before the show, a voice announced that Cinderella would be played by a different girl and that Madame (stepmother) would be played by Fran Drescher. The audience went wild. I could not believe that so many people were that excited to see "The Nanny" perform. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been in anything since the 90's. The crowd gave her lots of love through the night. But I digress.</div>
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The show was very well done, and the sets and costumes were amazing. The actors were wonderful and funny (oddly the Prince's herald was a stand out performance), and the choreography was great. There were of course a few things that bothered me: the prologue singing was very disjointed and everyone had crazy vibrato for that song, the people who re-wrote the book went a little crazy and decided to make the people vote for a Prime Minister at the end, etc. Despite those few bothersome things, I enjoyed the show. It was sweet and magical and they made this crazy love-at-first-sight story believable somehow.</div>
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So it was a good show, but sometimes when I see a good show I get this strange feeling. It's a mixture of sadness and jealousy and having missed my calling. It is as if someone is dangling some beautiful thing that I love in front of me, and I cannot have any part of it. I loved the show, and I was so glad I went to see it, but I kept thinking things like "I'm too old to play Cinderella now, if I ever could have. I'm too fat to play anyone but the bigger stepsister. I'm too settled into my life to even audition for anything like this..." And I know that it is okay and that my life is pretty great, but I just get a little wistful and melancholy to see people living my dream. I was even jealous of the set designer. </div>
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Anyway, it was a lovely night.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/hcP1cV3nBZI" width="560"></iframe><br />
(PS, start this video at about the 53 second mark to see a medley of Cinderella songs. I WISH Santino Fontana was our prince, but the replacement sounded a lot like him.) </div>
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The next weekend we took the kids to see the new Disney Cinderella movie, which we all liked. I thought the "be kind and have courage" thing was a little heavy-handed, but it isn't a bad message, so I was okay with it being repeated ad nauseam. The casting and the performances were great. I would buy the DVD. </div>
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Before I sign off, I just need to mention that my tooth hurt for a few days so I made an emergency dental appointment on Monday the 23rd, for 2:30. TOOTH-HURTY. I mean, if you are going to have a root canal where the local anesthetic isn't really working because your tooth is so infected, that is the way to do it. It took a few hours because they had to break off my crown to do the procedure and get to another cavity in between my teeth. I just kept thinking "Better me than Dan, he would hate this." and "I would totally go through this in proxy of my kids, especially Ezra. If there was a way to transfer his tooth issues to my mouth, I would totally do it." They shot me full of anesthetic every ten minutes (because I kept feeling what they were doing, ouch), so my gums felt like a pincushion the next day. But I didn't even need the pain meds they prescribed. That was nice. </div>
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PS I don't know how this happened, because I just had my teeth cleaned and x-rayed and everything was fine. Sigh. </div>
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-9242100409977171802015-03-20T23:18:00.000-07:002015-03-20T23:18:47.939-07:00The Writer's JourneyIt all started with a Facebook post.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Part of the long and winding road.</td></tr>
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My friend Nicole said she was excited to attend this writers workshop in Big Sur. She had been planning to go for years, and she wondered if any of her writer friends were going. That was it. Normally I'm not the kind of gal to hop on board a random weekend getaway, but for some reason the idea stuck. It didn't matter that my book wasn't quite finished, that we would have to pull the kids out of school two days early, or that Dan would have to come because someone would need to take care of Ezra while I was busy. I don't know how it happened, but we went for it.<br />
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Nicole and I were planning to leave on the same day. We were also going to stay overnight in Santa Barbara; me at my in-laws with my family and she by herself at a hotel. We had tentative plans to meet up, but we didn't talk about caravanning or carpooling. (I couldn't offer, because our car was full.) Anyway, we were almost to Riverside when she texted me saying that her vertigo was back (she had it before for several weeks) and she wasn't sure she was going to make it. She had left late and had been stopping to throw up on the side of the road. She was trying to wait it out in Palm Springs. We turned our car around to get her.<br />
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When I climbed in Nicole's car she looked drugged, which of course she was. She had taken some dramamine and maybe something else. She had sunglasses on and was lying down. In fact, she needed to go to the bathroom but opted to stay in the car and hold it because she didn't think she could move. I drove her to her hotel in Santa Barbara, and we decided to caravan up the rest of the trip in her car the next day. By the time I dropped her off, she was feeling much better. We had some great conversations in the car. And we stopped a few times to eat (and feed Ezra) and to get gas.<br />
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The next day we got a Blenders smoothie, packed all of our writer's stuff and baby gear in her car and drove up the coast. We were running late because we had to make multiple copies of the chapters we planned to take to critique groups and the copy shop had terrible service. We were stressed, but the drive was beautiful. I was in the backseat with Ezra for the last part of the trip, which also happened to be the most winding. (Blarf.) But we made it to the writer's workshop welcome segment with a few minutes to spare. Phew!<br />
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When Dan and I went to our room/cabin to unpack we saw it was filled with smoke. We thought it might be on fire, but it was only burning ash in the fireplace with the flu closed. Dan got it sorted while I went to my presentation and first critique group. Our room smelled like a campfire for the rest of the weekend.<br />
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An overview:<br />
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- My first critique group was awesome. I gave good advice to others and received good advice in return. Reading your worst chapters to strangers is hard, but immensely helpful. My second critique group wasn't as good, but I'm sure it was mostly my fault. I chose weird chapters to read.<br />
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- I had at least three people tell me I looked like someone they knew. In fact, one lady in my first group spent two hours nervously wondering if I was her adopted son's birth mother. She hadn't seen her in seven years, but she apparently looked just like me <b>and</b> her name was Jamie. She asked me how old my children were and what my maiden name was, and when she explained why she was asking I gave her a hug. She must have been freaked out by my story (teen pregnancy).<br />
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- The editors panel was interesting, the agent's panel was enlightening, and the query letter event was informative. There are so many simple things I did not know. For instance, I did not know that all queries are now submitted by email. And that 99% of the time you NEED an agent to submit your story to a publisher. Things were different before 9/11 and anthrax scares, now the writing industry sounds as difficult to navigate as the entertainment industry.<br />
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- The food was excellent, and the service was impeccable. I would totally go back to Big Sur Lodge.<br />
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- I was amazed at all the different types of people attending this workshop. Our group wasn't large, but it was diverse. There was a sweet lady who looked like she could be a great-grandmother, and there was a sixteen year old girl (I didn't meet her, but I heard she was a great writer). I saw a lady that reminded me of a viking woman, complete with a crown of flowers in her hair. We sat next to a guy at dinner who had written down things to say to others, and he kept consulting his paper so that he could ask us where we were from and tell us what he was writing. A nice girl stopped her car to give me a ride up the hill, and I later heard that she was autistic. I was not the only writer who had a spouse and child in tow. I kept wondering how many of us were introverts really stretching our comfort bubbles. I was consistently amazed that so many writers would want to meet together like this. At meal times we were a loud group.<br />
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- I found myself wanting to encourage certain writers in my groups. One man was writing a book called "The Day Elijah Learned to Fly." He thought his story was a middle school book, but the voice and themes seemed older. He got the advice to center the story around the children instead of the old man, and to try Christian publishing houses because the kids listened to sermons at church. I kept wanting to say "I like your book as it is, and I think anyone could publish it. Just make it an adult book, and your problem is solved!" Another woman in the same group was writing a middle school version of Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" which I loved. She was given advice to make her characters and tone older (which would require re-invisioning and rewriting the entire book) so that publishers wouldn't be scared of the Shakespeare tie. I wanted to say "Who cares? It is a perfect story for that age group. Your middle school voice is perfect. Don't change everything, just tighten up some of the writing." But I wasn't the professional. I wish I had gotten emails for these people (and a few others) so that I could be a positive voice for the stories they created.<br />
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- It was a busy weekend, and I didn't get to do much other than write and attend workshops. But we did visit a few picturesque spots on the way out. Luckily Dan had lots of time to explore and to take Nicole and I to the good spots. Plus, he is an amazing photographer.<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgllArDru_hela5-G0AMt8uYw0UdnLYO9uxANaU4MJXBiubhYs9vWJiKT-8Lds8OXs_ZR_zmXMJV0eyncWTG7NP1Tqut3CJkP3uRSkGkdUoR8t297yfzsPdXcPvV08hjXhIBEzgJyvy9Vk/s1600/i-8J37gq9-X2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgllArDru_hela5-G0AMt8uYw0UdnLYO9uxANaU4MJXBiubhYs9vWJiKT-8Lds8OXs_ZR_zmXMJV0eyncWTG7NP1Tqut3CJkP3uRSkGkdUoR8t297yfzsPdXcPvV08hjXhIBEzgJyvy9Vk/s1600/i-8J37gq9-X2.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">I call this one "Swirly Swirly Sea" because it reminds me of Van Gogh's "Starry Starry Night."</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfqI5ZBU8GVSyVNRk8HbvC2Fms1vsuhMZ2UsbblExpdPe3bZSqzuo3rgGjYs9OTqHhgUPZ607K8RFdY6lbfAl10aUsXfummbtGLAMZqxXO1FRf51CQV6hwpRDGLUJXtO-keQxTNwKhbVM/s1600/i-fsVXMt9-X2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfqI5ZBU8GVSyVNRk8HbvC2Fms1vsuhMZ2UsbblExpdPe3bZSqzuo3rgGjYs9OTqHhgUPZ607K8RFdY6lbfAl10aUsXfummbtGLAMZqxXO1FRf51CQV6hwpRDGLUJXtO-keQxTNwKhbVM/s1600/i-fsVXMt9-X2.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">I could have stood in this spot and looked at this scene all day. It was gorgeous. </td></tr>
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Anyway, it was a great weekend. I learned a lot, got a few new books, made some contacts, and started tightening up my first chapters. Thanks Nicole for the random Facebook post that turned into a grand adventure, and thanks Dan for everything always.<br />
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-26691246498404004902015-02-08T13:38:00.001-08:002015-02-08T13:38:17.516-08:00The inevitable follow-upOk, now that I've got everyone nice and concerned, let me just clarify and explain a few things.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMAA5y9fdvO4kNPBGKXeXyAFh2b7IhHUhiNt9lxH8b5PtSAnD-MImKXbkO0nyx0o4RYyHzyUoJF4Q9thkzXpL-JWwttRy-WC7A8XyR7MkmfrvaHi8aiioVloLZhb5Vp5onw0rixU3hGYo/s1600/i-Nm3P6wb-L.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMAA5y9fdvO4kNPBGKXeXyAFh2b7IhHUhiNt9lxH8b5PtSAnD-MImKXbkO0nyx0o4RYyHzyUoJF4Q9thkzXpL-JWwttRy-WC7A8XyR7MkmfrvaHi8aiioVloLZhb5Vp5onw0rixU3hGYo/s1600/i-Nm3P6wb-L.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
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1) First of all, Dan wants to make it known that while I was writing that last blog post, he was cleaning our gross kitchen. Dishes are his purview. And it looked amazing by the time I had clicked the "publish" button. The reason we are having a hard time keeping up with cleaning is because we are all sick (except Asher) and it literally takes 3 hours to feed Ezra 2-4 ounces of liquid. More on that later.<br />
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But seriously, Dan is amazing.<br />
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2) Many people don't believe me when I say I'm not depressed. Please do believe me. I'm not. I know what depression feels like. I am anxious and very worried. I get frustrated and scared and stressed out. But I am not depressed. I am working through super hard stuff, not crying through it in a fetal position in my closet.<br />
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3) Ezra does sleep, and usually he sleeps through the night. He is crying less when we put him down, I think because he cries so much through his feedings and it tires him out. He really seems like he is getting well (finally) but he has been on the mend earlier and then gotten sick again. We are hoping for no relapse, and we are hoping that his breathing clears up. We believe this is a huge part of why he won't eat.<br />
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4) I am not exclusively addicted to Facebook. Somehow, that sounds more pathetic than being addicted to your computer. I check in on Facebook a lot because I am already on the computer. (I am an introvert and that is how I connect with people. It is what I do instead of talking on the phone or going on lunch dates or something. I can give like 10 compliments in one minute to 8 different people on Facebook.) What do I actually do online? I read articles and research things for Ezra's special needs, or about parenting, or about any topic that is of interest to me. It's like reading the newspaper. I have no interest in "reality TV" type stuff, unless it is about the psychology of people and why they watch it. I also have two books I'm writing, and I work on those... on my computer. So sometimes online I am researching how to write query letters, or finding out if the term "eskimo kiss" is offensive, or looking up paint color names, etc. All of these things are distractions from how harrowing it is to feed Ezra sometimes. Or how tired I am. Or I'm just working. Whatever.<br />
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5) The only reason why I want people to "take my children away" is because I feel like I cannot spend the time they need right now. It is very hard to deal with a raspy special needs crying hunger-striking baby at times. I love all of my children and it is sad that I don't have the time or energy to help effectively with homework, or play with them, or talk to them, or make them meals that they won't complain about. Beyond how nice it would be for me to not have responsibility for them for a while to give <i>myself</i> a break, I think of how nice it would be <i>for them</i> to have a break from being around a stressed out messy household. It would be a re-set for all of us. I would miss them, but I've been exposed to stressful circumstances for a long period of time. Honestly, when a friend came two days ago to take Ezra to her house for three hours with instructions to try to get him to eat as much as possible, that was HUGE. She got him to drink 2 ounces of Pediasure, and that was a battle that I didn't have to fight. I was responsible for zero children for 3 hours. While I am with my children, I am usually happy and loving... but my brain is also very full. I think of what their needs are, what I need to do for them. Usually this is fine, but if their needs are high it overwhelms me. I still try to get everything done, it's just harder and more stressful... and more disappointing when I can't accomplish anything. When someone else has my kids (not just my husband who is still in the house with them) my load feels lighter. You know, because it is no longer there. The empty space in my brain is staggering.<br />
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6) I did not mean to say that bringing a meal is not helpful. It is <i>very</i> helpful. It means I don't have to go out and get fast food, or spend time I don't have in the kitchen, or feel guilty about anything. What I said was it doesn't solve my problem, and that is true. I wouldn't need meals if Ezra wasn't flipping out about food. My problem is Ezra's attitude towards using his mouth (his philosophy this last month has been "scream, don't eat"). So thanks to my friend Emily and more thanks to the people who will bring me food throughout the month. You are golden. It really does relieve some stress, and I am grateful.<br />
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So hey, I'm sorry if I was a little harsh with my delivery. I want you to close your eyes (not yet, read this first) and imagine that you have a crying baby (who should be a toddler) who will not eat. In fact, he has never even exhibited hunger cues, he doesn't know the connection between eating and feeling better. He is the same weight he was ten months ago. Doctors are worried, which makes you worried. His skin looks a little saggy, and his normally cheery disposition has changed. His pee is so concentrated it is brown, and he hasn't had a messy diaper in two weeks. If you even put him in a feeding position, he arches his back like a contortionist and screams with all his might. You know he needs to eat, but he just will not. You have other things you need to do, but you spend all of the baby's waking moments either worrying about him not eating or trying to feed him. You try different methods, different spoons, bottles, syringes, different beverages, different positions. You try to distract with television, rocking, singing, beatboxing, dancing, funny faces, jumping up and down, talking, louder, softer, sweeter, firmer, all at once, nothing at all. You give it a rest, but you have to try again, because eating is important. Sometimes you catch a break and your beautiful baby eats a little bit and smiles. You think this is the beginning of "back to normal" but you find out soon that it is not. Your other kids are coughing, your spouse is really sick. You don't feel so hot yourself. When the baby sleeps you have stuff to do, but also you are a little shell shocked. This isn't just a bad day, it is repeated for days, weeks, a month. And you aren't just watching someone do this to your child like nurses administering shots, technicians getting x-rays, nurses forcing him to swallow barium for the tests. YOU are the torturer. Over and over. Ok, can you picture it? Can you understand how or why I might be a little stressed? I hope so. I'm mentally sound, anyone would feel frustrated in these circumstances. At least, I think so. That might be what a crazy person would say.<br />
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FYI we have a feeding specialist coming tomorrow (YAY!) and a follow up appointment with a pediatrician about his pneumonia. The day after that we start having friends over daily to either take Ezra or stay here and work on his eating. I really didn't think people could be of much help with Ezra, because if the people he loves most couldn't make him eat, then I assumed other people (who sometimes scare him and make him cry) couldn't be helpful. But when Eliza fed him some of a bottle and Melanie got some applesauce in him, I became hopeful. I am on cloud nine just thinking about people coming to help if they can make him eat. We are getting 3 meals a week for the rest of February. We have a consultation for a GI specialist to talk about his absorption and the possibility of a G-tube. My mom called and said she would like to come and help when we need it. People have been calling with ways they can help us, and honestly we are almost overwhelmed by all the love and assistance. Friends have come to clean, people are fasting and praying for Ezra, it is raining in our desert.<br />
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I just want to express my thanks to friends who have written and called to comfort me and give me solace, to friends who are willing to sacrifice time or money or energy to help us out. It is hard to know when I need help sometimes, because hard things become my "normal." Thanks for telling me how abnormal this situation is, and for offering me the helping hands that I need. jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-84433701143781129102015-02-05T13:34:00.000-08:002015-02-06T09:19:10.485-08:00Hard Knock LifeFor some reason, a few people have requested a blog post. An update of my super difficult life. Well, your wish is my command, but be careful what you wish for.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-zoTbzqHs8s0J51ZpQYB-7DGSegcmqI0jUDy6-qk4v8OfuBK-E37_ZRVwf963CpibRY_p_bHrUHqDoHri7d2iJRkcu6r4d2MsRRtBHiHVkSDG9tX_NLTXCP7ZMm8HAKzvR5Fdk0wO9JQ/s1600/i-7zQwBxx-L.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-zoTbzqHs8s0J51ZpQYB-7DGSegcmqI0jUDy6-qk4v8OfuBK-E37_ZRVwf963CpibRY_p_bHrUHqDoHri7d2iJRkcu6r4d2MsRRtBHiHVkSDG9tX_NLTXCP7ZMm8HAKzvR5Fdk0wO9JQ/s1600/i-7zQwBxx-L.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A picture of happier times... about a pound and a half ago.</td></tr>
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Today Ezra won't eat... much like yesterday and the day before. This morning I had to pump and squeeze milk from a bottle into his mouth while holding him in a headlock as he bucked and cried and choked. This is how we do things now. And I'm drying up, so I don't know what to do about that.<br />
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Ezra had a chest x-ray after seeing a pediatrician yesterday. (I'm glad they could squeeze us in, and I'm <i>more</i> glad that Dan went instead of me, because I'm usually on doctor patrol and I hate it. It takes all day and they just tell you how many things are wrong with you and your child while said child cries and doesn't sleep. Want to be stressed out? Go to the doctor. Preferably more than one specialist a day.) Anyway, they saw something on his lungs and we are treating him for pneumonia. We feed him his medicine much like we feed him his milk, as he screams and cries. We are supposed to make eating a pleasant experience for him, and not push him. With his sensory issues and his other problems he could become adverse to eating for the rest of his life if we screw this up. But we need to feed him something somehow, because he is now less than 17 pounds. He is slowly starving. And he prefers starving to eating. <br />
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Ezra doesn't fall asleep on his own anymore. He cries off and on for an hour or so until he finally passes out. If we rock him, he will wake up if we move. And even if we don't move a muscle, he can't sleep for longer than a few minutes on someone. If we keep him up, he gets crazy tired and freaks out even more when you put him down to sleep. Most days my head feels like it is on the verge of exploding.<br />
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All of us are some level of sick. I've been feeling like I am coming down with something for weeks. I'm achy, my throat hurts, I'm tired. Ezra has had some hard nights where he has woken up in the middle of the night and won't go back to sleep, or he's gotten up really early. Dan and I have sacrificed some sleep. We don't feel good. Asher and Gwen are home from school today because they wouldn't go to sleep last night until after 10:00. They just kept getting up and complaining. Asher seems the least sick, in fact, he might even be well. He was sick last week, and he seems to have the strongest immune system. I was too lazy and tired to take him to school, although I was pissed off that he and Gwen would be home all day. I told him that he needs to take care of us all, but that obviously won't happen because he's not old enough. He will play on his own and make messes and occasionally fight with Gwen. He will use the TV so I can't watch what I want to watch. We are giving Gwen Ezra's breathing treatments because she is sick and coughing and crying and WHO CARES who's name is on the meds? They are helping her. Ezra's getting breathing treatments too, because he is so snotty and he can't breathe. He is not a fan of the treatments. He is not a fan of anything.<br />
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My kids are late to school approximately 90% of the time. <br />
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Our house is a MESS. It is laughable, really. We have ants and there are dirty dishes and food everywhere around the kitchen. Every room in our house (excepting the piano room, we must keep up appearances) looks like someone detonated a bomb of clothes, dust, toys, books, and filth. The kids bathroom has toothpaste everywhere and two nights ago Gwen woke up in the middle of the night and peed her pants on the bathroom floor. I still haven't taken care of that. At least it wasn't in her bed, but actually that might have been easier to clean. I try to clean things. I clip my kids nails, I give baths, I provide clean underwear. I do the laundry and take out the trash and try to mop and organize things, but it doesn't help. The mess compounds faster than I can work. And did I mention that I was sick, and bone-tired? And I've been caring for a handicapped baby who won't stop crying and has pneumonia?<br />
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So many times I have typed paragraphs on Facebook and erased them without posting. Nobody wants to hear it, nobody <i>really</i> cares. I mean, they feel bad and they will pray for us, but what I'm going through can't affect people, they can't really help me. They are living normal lives with normal children going through normal things. Some of their moments are happy, some are frustrating or sad. People just want to live their own lives, and I get it. If my friend had a handicapped baby who was going through a severe rough patch I wouldn't really want to get in the middle of that either. I might pray for them and make them a meal, but I would probably walk away thinking how nice it was that I didn't have to go through that in my own life, and I would absentmindedly feed my children and sleep a normal amount and that would be that. I am in the 7th circle of hell right now. What can people possibly do about it? I don't want to bring others down, I don't want to be a constant complainer. I will type something like "I'm obese and gross-looking and I can do nothing about it. My handicapped baby refuses to eat and I can do nothing about it. My house is a mess, which I probably <i>could</i> do something about, but it would take me a month of uninterrupted work. I'm tired all the time, and I feel like I'm being tortured." Then: delete, delete, delete. Because, what could possibly come of those words?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Yesterday I did not delete. I posted that Ezra had pneumonia. Before <i>that</i> I posted "<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 19px;">Did anybody ever read <i>Goodnight Mr. Tom</i>? It's pretty messed up, from what I recall. I remember in Jr. High thinking 'Wow, I hope I never get locked in a closet with a baby for weeks as it screams and slowly dies of starvation in my arms.' Well, I'm pretty sure I'm living the dream, folks. And yes, it's as fun as it sounds." These posts have gotten me some sympathy and a friend is bringing us a meal tonight. I feel like I am going to die from over-exposure to torturous experiences over the last year. A meal </span><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">brought? Wonderful. Better than nothing. Someone is being kind to us. I really appreciate it, for real. Does it fix my situation? Not even a little bit. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">What I need is someone to take my kids away from this house for about a week. A feeding expert that can deal with Ezra. I don't care if he gets physical therapy or whatever, just make him eat food and drink. Take him to the doctor. Get up when he cries in the night and hold him although most of the time it doesn't help. Any nurse-Mary Poppins's out there? Anyone? I will gladly go into debt to pay you. And yes, you need to take them away, you can't stay here, it's too gross. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Sometimes I imagine ways out of my situation. Running away? Surgery? Mental institutions? Prison? You do not know how blissful solitary confinement sounds. The problem is I would never be able to do anything to get there. I'm too upstanding a citizen. Will extreme grumpiness get me thrown in the clink? Because I am definitely getting meaner and grumpier. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Also, I am addicted to my computer. It is my drug of choice. I need to escape my reality quite often through the day. I need to write or read or post something funny on Facebook so that I can have a little lift in my life. Sometimes though, I see bad news and get sad. Sometimes I see <i>good</i> news and get sad. --Oh, you just had your 5th child and you look like a supermodel? How </span><i style="line-height: 19px;">nice</i><span style="line-height: 19px;"> for you. You have a typical baby who had a little ear infection but he's on the mend? Oh, and look at how well he's wolfing down that food and how much he's giggling? </span><i style="line-height: 19px;">Super.</i><span style="line-height: 19px;"> Most of the time I really can rejoice with people in their happiness and good fortune, but sometimes it is part of my torture. Especially when things are <i>really</i> bad around here. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Dan took a day off yesterday to be in charge of Ezra. It was... </span><i style="line-height: 19px;">amazing. </i><span style="line-height: 19px;">I felt like</span><i style="line-height: 19px;"> </i><span style="line-height: 19px;">I could fly, like I had just done the best drug on Earth. But then his time was up, and my time started again, and it was like being punched in the face with a brick. Poor Dan thought he was helping... and he was, he <i>was</i>. But it was like a cool breeze in the midst of the burning desert: the breeze goes away and you are still dying, but now you have the memory of the cold air to make your burning all the more painful. What would be helpful, truly helpful, is removing me from the desert to some place where I won't slowly turn into a shriveled ash heap. But I just can't find my magic lamp. I think the genie is on vacation, anyway. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">And, just so you know... miraculously I am not depressed. My situation sucks rocks and there are entire days and weeks that I just have to power through, but I don't need medicine to cope. (But drugs and wine, on the other hand... kidding.) I love my children even though thinking of physically caring for them while they re-infect each other in a never ending cycle of coughing, sickness, and complaining makes me want to jump off a cliff.* Ezra is learning not to like me, but he sometimes smiles, and that is nice. My body is humungous and uncooperative and sick, but I still want to live in it (but please, genie, make it smaller for heaven's sakes!). I would love, LOVE to change about ten things about my situation, but I can't. I'm on a Facebook page for kids with 13q deletion and some of those parents have it worse than me, believe it or not. I can still count a few blessings. So don't feel bad for reading this and then awkwardly shuffling away from my horrendous problems. Maybe I'll find someone that I can pay to come over and save my sanity, but probably I won't. Unless you are my 13q deletion baby whisperer, you can do nothing for me. I suffer hardship and literal headaches every day, but I'm still hanging on to the ends of the fraying rope of my existence. Some people just get dealt crappy hands, and it's the hard knock life for us. Maybe "this too shall pass," but probably not. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Hope you enjoyed the update. Sorry, it's the best I can do. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">*Please don't think I would actually jump off a cliff. I am a dramatic individual that uses hyperbole and is extremely scared of heights. </span></span><br />
jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-7605757651800784822014-07-14T08:58:00.000-07:002014-07-14T08:58:35.646-07:00Diagnosis and Feelings<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">When I was about 20 years old I was working at Young Singers Club. We had a small childrenās ensemble that rehearsed at the Labero Theater practice rooms. One day during practice one of the little boys had an episode of some kindā¦ he couldnāt breathe. He was a small and frail boy. He had some sort of handicap, but he was so sweet and he loved to sing. During his emergency the other kids started to panic, which only made his problem worse. The only adults in the room were the program director and me, and she asked me to help him while she stayed with the other kids. I quickly and calmly took him into the bathroom and shut the door. I sat down on the dirty floor and held him on my lap. I talked to him soothingly and told him that he would be fine. I told him to breathe with me, in and out, in and out. I heard his sister crying outside of the door calling her mom on the phone and asking if he was going to die. I just held him and smiled at him and kept breathing with him, in and out. His breathing got slower and better. He was fine. And I remember the thought coming to me very clearly: <i>I think Iām going to have a special needs child some day.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I forgot about this event until recently. </span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ezra has been diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called 13q deletion. The specific part of the chromosome that is deleted is 33.1. There are only hundreds of cases that have ever been recorded and every case seems different, but there are several common traits: small head, wide-set eyes, wide nose bridge, hand and feet anomalies, skull issues, low muscle tone, and lung problems. Those are the common traits that Ezra <i>has</i>. There are several more that are on the list that he does <i>not</i> have, and we are grateful. For instance, every case I have read involves feeding problems and/or failure to thrive. Ezra has always eaten well (thanks to lots of trying and non-traditional positioning) and has grown beautifully. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">It also seems that almost every child with this disorder has learning delays and physical delays. Who knows how it will affect Ezra. There is a case of a child with 13q deletion running at two years old, and others of children who cannot walk at four. His physical therapy seems to be helping him, so Iām hopeful in that department. Most cases report that children have a hard time learning to read, write, and speak. They also report a shortened life span, but I donāt know what this means for our boy. We have some answers, but we still have many questions. Some of those questions can only be answered with time. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">When I first got the news I took it well, but I cried anyway. I was shocked and overwhelmed. I mourned for the future that I had </span></span>unconciously<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> imagined for him. I was scared about what this diagnosis meant. How severely will it manifest? How will it affect Ezra? How will it affect our family? I still have those questions, but they donāt make me as anxious as they once did. Dan did not cry. He is a man who takes things a step at a time, and not much can shock him. The only time he teared up was when we sat our older kids down and told them about Ezraās special circumstances. He told them that he knew they would be wonderful older siblings to Ezra because of their goodness and the love that they have for him. They really do show such love and devotion to their baby brother. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;">I have thought a lot about this situation, and I really have come to view it as a blessing. Ezra is the happiest and sweetest baby, and I get to interact with him every day. I get to serve him. I get to be his mother. He gets to teach our family about empathy and compassion and patience. If it turns out that he canāt speak well, we will all get to learn sign language or another way to communicate.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> Ezra's name means "help"-- he will need help and he will be a </span></span>tremendous<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> help to others. We are the lucky ones who get to be with him the most. There was a 1 in several million chance that I would have a baby with 13q deletion, and I won the lottery. I would not trade Ezra for the world. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">(PS I need to say that many people have prayed and fasted for Ezra and for our family, and we are so grateful. We are humbled and we love you all.) </span></span><br />
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-13212645035150454202014-06-21T23:43:00.000-07:002014-06-28T09:54:33.215-07:00Mr. E<div style="text-align: center;">
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Ezra does not have a diagnosis yet. </div>
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The last time I posted about him I think we were here: head x-ray, CT scan, cardiologist, urologist, ENT. </div>
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We have now added: geneticist, neurologist, cranial technicians, physical therapist, hip x-rays, chest x-rays, extra doctor check ups. </div>
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Our "to do" list: get him in a helmet ("like, yesterday" the neurologist said over a month ago- don't worry, it is being made), see another physical therapist through "early intervention", breathing treatments, see a pulmonologist, go back to the geneticist and the neurologist and of course the cranial technicians weekly. I might be forgetting some stuff. I don't really have an organized brain by nature. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">So far the steroids aren't improving his labored breathing... but he doesn't seem to mind either way. </td></tr>
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Ezra usually sleeps well, and he is a very sweet and aware baby. Most of the doctors and specialists have noticed that he is very social. He enjoys attention and people most of the time. </div>
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He is a good baby, and that's a good thing, because I'm worn out. If he cries for no reason, I sometimes get disproportionately frustrated or upset. </div>
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Sometimes I'm really stressed. I have to give Ezra physical therapy several times a day, most of which he doesn't like. Deep pressure on hands, feet, and back along with lots of neck stretching, assisted tummy time, side lying time, and "sitting" time. He has extremely low muscle tone all over his body. He is getting better with the therapy, but the effort weighs on me. And of course, this is on top of the responsibilities inherent in having a baby. Feeding, changing, cleaning blow-outs or spit up, bathing, grooming, loving, scheduling, laundering. </div>
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Then there is worrying. I was never much of a worrier AT ALL, but now I have to think about unpleasant things all the time. They are my responsibility. Nobody else is going to make appointments, take Ezra to those appointments, make sure nothing is overlooked, and do the unpleasant things that need to be done every day. I don't want to think about these things, but if I don't, Ezra will not get the care he needs. And I still occasionally miss an appointment or I don't do enough therapy during the day. I have other kids after all, and a mind that doesn't do well with organizing and scheduling. </div>
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And believe me, I don't worry about needless things. When Asher became old enough to stop hurling himself off the top of stairs and into pools and off of jungle gyms, I stopped following him around. I am the laziest parent of all time. I will take the easiest non-worrying route any chance I get. But if nobody else is worrying about important things, I guess it is my job. </div>
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Not to make this post a rant or anything, but I just need to say how I feel about this next thing. Some people are like "Oh, he's fine. He's normal. Don't worry about it. He'll be fine." When people have this attitude it brings out the rage in me. I want to punch them in the throat. He is not normal. If he were, we wouldn't be spending all of our time and money on all these specialists. I have known from the moment I saw him that something was not quite right. And no, my pediatrician is not over-doing it. She knows a lot and sees a lot of babies. She is trying to rule things out and help make his conditions better. And yes, most likely Ezra will be fine after all of this. But he is not fine right now. Do you know what is going to make him "fine" in the end? A lot of hard work and dedication from me and a team of doctors. I need to be active in this. I cannot kick back and stop worrying.<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiwHxfiXb8zFLPHuD3aeEB20hUUh2irws1e2dMMjY-IhcZ6mlx6wNjW9ZKZ6oAkbUSxd1pbXSPJTlN_zakk7IAjOShLKW-zvJcyccDUDHO4G4oYc-81ci3XzS3cQf2jfh3HFkoGyqFwEk/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-21+at+10.40.35+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiwHxfiXb8zFLPHuD3aeEB20hUUh2irws1e2dMMjY-IhcZ6mlx6wNjW9ZKZ6oAkbUSxd1pbXSPJTlN_zakk7IAjOShLKW-zvJcyccDUDHO4G4oYc-81ci3XzS3cQf2jfh3HFkoGyqFwEk/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-21+at+10.40.35+PM.png" height="202" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">This was back when his head was not as bad. </td></tr>
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I must confess that sometimes I look at him from <i>certain</i> angles and I cringe because his head is so misshapen, but he is still beautiful to me. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed because of the daily grind, but I do it because I love Ezra with my whole heart. He is so precious.<br />
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Bonus: Here's a picture of a child about to get a chest x-ray. Can you believe that they put kids in this mechanism? It reminds me of a cross between a torture device and Augustus Gloop going up the pipe in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. </div>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTJ2k-Bu3irfMBmmrp_1Ri-z-bMnu1FSUEpBYVT0Vur2JcfnlLOXLbxkZkqpngiT1Kk3m9YdcpAP53rSsRz9aU5YWtqkqm7z68uG0ZLLfAsHQ48Yg9_zhfV2vWkq8n1_CgwHUmGZSn6UY/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-11+at+8.38.00+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTJ2k-Bu3irfMBmmrp_1Ri-z-bMnu1FSUEpBYVT0Vur2JcfnlLOXLbxkZkqpngiT1Kk3m9YdcpAP53rSsRz9aU5YWtqkqm7z68uG0ZLLfAsHQ48Yg9_zhfV2vWkq8n1_CgwHUmGZSn6UY/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-11+at+8.38.00+PM.png" height="320" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">PS This baby is a lot less purple and screaming than Ezra was. Also, Ezra is younger than this baby and has less ability to hold himself up. I held his hands at the top. I was shaking like a leaf an hour after this appointment.<br />
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-10242397540676928982014-05-31T10:59:00.000-07:002014-06-03T11:00:38.042-07:00The Circle of Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Hannah was our flower girl. </div>
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It doesn't seem possible, but she is a bride now. </div>
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And she chose Gwen as her flower girl. </div>
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Cue the Lion King music. </div>
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On May 24th, Hannah Hixon married Arthur Adams in the Gilbert temple. It was a beautiful wedding. The best part was when the parents gave their congratulations to the couple. Hannah's dad just hugged her and sobbed. We weren't sure he was going to let her go. Then he did, and he was smiling. </div>
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It must be strange to be under 40 and marrying off a child. Stephen and Rachel are very young for this milestone. But Arthur is a good guy. And Hannah is the best. So it's a happy kind of strangeness.</div>
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Dan was their photographer, and he got some great pictures. It was really hard for me to choose which shots to include on this post. </div>
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The reception was the best I had ever seen. Seriously. It was totally Pinterest worthy. </div>
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The colors were black and white and gold, and they had it in the most beautiful back yard. Stephen and Rachel built and painted the checkered dance floor, because they are awesome. (I know who is helping me when Gwen gets married!) </div>
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The receiving line was in front of this amazing gold framed chalkboard. One of their friends just happens to be a graphic designer and created a wedding logo for them. It is his chalk work you see on the picture above and the Ice Cream booth below.</div>
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I can't post pictures of every detail, but it was so gorgeous! There were custom made tablecloths and runners, lights and lanterns strung through the trees, blown up engagement and bridal pictures in quirky frames, and an adorable cake table. The music was fantastic. The bride and groom zip-lined to the dance floor to do their choreographed first dance. (She changed into a different white dress for that.) When it was time for their send-off, they rode a gold tandem bicycle through a gauntlet of sparkler-holding guests. </div>
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It was magical. </div>
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Congrats to Hannah and Arthur. May your marriage be as beautiful as your party. ;)</div>
jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-22852919471746443072014-04-30T22:35:00.001-07:002014-05-01T10:17:14.520-07:00Easter, etc.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Gwen and Asher became violently ill the day before Easter. We are normally a pretty healthy family, so this was a surprise. I was semi-prepared for the big day. I was hoping to dye eggs on Saturday night. Instead the kids were still sick and I was feeling gross. I'd been cleaning bathrooms and buckets and spots out of the carpet. I was not in the mood to fully prepare, nor did I think that Easter candy was a good idea. I told the kids that the Easter Bunny doesn't visit sick houses until they are better. Asher was sad, but he kept himself from crying. </div>
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So Dan went to church Easter Sunday by himself. After church, two of my book club friends independently stopped by and dropped off some Easter treats for us... it was so thoughtful! Elaine brought some flowers for me (and some secret peeps for the kids). Meghan brought little Easter buckets with toys and treats for each child. What sweet friends I have.</div>
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We were all feeling a bit better by the end of the day, so we planned to go to the temple. First Gwen and Asher water colored two hard boiled eggs each- fast and easy. Then we went and read the story of Easter right in the shadow of the Gilbert temple. It felt good.</div>
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When we returned home, the Easter Bunny had come after all! The kids found eggs that had puzzle pieces inside. They put the puzzle pieces together and followed the clue to the pantry where they found their easter baskets. It was belated, but fun. </div>
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Last Friday our church had a Daddy-daughter dance for girls 3-11. It is such a cute thing to do, and Gwen loved it. She of course picked out her own outfit and hairstyle. She has a very strong opinion, but is usually also very sweet. We just love her. </div>
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We also had S&R Hixon, the Stecks, and Amy over for dinner on Saturday for "talk and tacos." That is always fun. </div>
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Tuesday night we had Hannah and her fiancƩ Arthur over for dinner. Dan will be taking their wedding photos soon, and Gwen is their flower girl. I think that is a pretty awesome circle of life, since Hannah was one of our flower girls. </div>
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Asher and I left before dinner was over... he had 1st grade music night at his school. We sat through an interactive presentation where we heard what they were learning. At the end, we all split into groups and performed a simple song together. Asher and I got drums (yay!) but our only job was to beat once every four beats. It was still fun. Asher was so excited the whole time.</div>
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P.S. I'm eating paleo style now, which means no refined carbs, sugars, or dairy. It isn't so bad, and I hope I lose weight and eventually get some more energy. This blog makes it seem like we are kinda busy, but we are not. These are literally the only things we are doing.</div>
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P.P.S. I finished sewing a baptism dress for Gwen's preschool teacher's daughter. I made it out of Miss Kerri's wedding dress, and it turned out well. I wish I had a picture, but I don't. Maybe if she posts one to Facebook I'll steal it and put it up here. :) </div>
<br />jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-57781553706880820042014-04-13T23:29:00.001-07:002014-04-13T23:29:41.871-07:00Festival, Field Trips, and Fun <div style="text-align: center;">
On the very last weekend of March we visited the Renaissance Festival for the second time ever. </div>
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We started our afternoon with the joust. I thought the kids would dig it, but I think they were really hot so they couldn't appreciate it while it was happening. They seem to like it more in retrospect. Oh well. </div>
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I tried to feed Ezra in the arena, but that was impossible and he hated it. So we found a nice little spot of dirt around the corner from a show. Dan and the kids watched a fiery sword swallower and went off to buy a fake sword while I was fending off several crazy people with tattoos and brown teeth trying to see the baby under his cover and talk to me about breastfeeding. </div>
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We got in for a total of $10 somehow, so we spent some money on stuff inside the faire. Gwen got a fairy wand, Asher got a painted wooden sword, and they got to go on the man-powered ride below. We also ate food: sausage on a stick, pizza, and a bread bowl. We didn't go for the "turkey legg."</div>
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I borrowed a more comfy baby carrier from my friend, and it was great for me, but Ezra did not like it. He does not like to be carried for some reason. So Dan propped him up somehow in the stroller, and he had a fantastic time in there. </div>
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We enjoyed the small petting zoo, we saw part of a falcon show, the kids played at the playground, and we saw a contact juggler (he has one ball and it rarely leaves contact with his body). I learned how to do that in college along with everyone else in the BFA so it wasn't earth-shaking... but he was pretty good. Last but not least as we were leaving the festival we saw Twig the Fairy. She is basically the Disney Princess of the Ren Fest. She gave our kids special rocks and played Gwen a little tune on her crazy flute thing.</div>
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Dan thought this sign was hilarious. </div>
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Last week Gwen had another field trip... this time to the grocery store! I thought it was a funny thing to do since she's been to that grocery store many, many times with me. But we had a guide and the kids lined up and marched through the store. They got to tour through the back and feel how cold the freezer and refrigerator sections were. They got to have small snacks in all the sections and some of them were chosen to be leaders of fruits, veggies, etc. Gwen got to be the leader of dairy. She had a little laminated card necklace and everything. At the end, they pretended to buy something and check it out. Gwen chose a Red Bull. Ha. They got some goody bags as well, and Gwen just couldn't stop talking about hers. She is such a cute wanna-be grown up. </div>
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Dan and I saw Copperstar's production of <i>Oliver</i> at the Mesa Arts Center last weekend. We were invited as VIP guests for the opening. It was a good show and I really enjoyed it. It was also fun to see so many people with whom I have worked in the past. </div>
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Last but not least, my Mom flew in on Friday, and we attended another performance at the Mesa Arts Center Saturday night. </div>
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I knew she would love it because she is a fan of Glenn Beck, and also because I know she loves good music. The EVMCO did a presentation of patriotic and religious songs- narrated by Mr. Beck. The first song they did was "How Great Thou Art" and it brought down the house. The choir and orchestra is made up of over 1300 volunteers of all ages, and they were all out singing. The children appeared in the balcony and the youth were surrounding the audience, it was amazing. I know quite a few people in the choir and orchestra, so that was really fun for me as well. Apparently the whole show will be available on iTunes, but I'm glad we saw it live. I have never been to a show where there were 5 standing ovations. </div>
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P.S. All of them were completely deserved. </div>
jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-85862652328174147432014-03-23T22:57:00.000-07:002014-03-23T22:57:01.843-07:00The Ides of March<div style="text-align: center;">
My high school choir teacher always used to say "Beware the Ides of March!" He thought we all got crazy around that time. I thought it was funny that any time someone was mad or sad, or did something weird or different he would say "Beware the Ides of March!" </div>
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Well, so far March has been pretty non-eventful. St. Patrick's Day came and Asher was all excited about it. I'm not sure why, because all I will EVER do for St. Pat's is dye our food green and/or put spinach in everything. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I sprinkled green sprinkles on the dutch babies after food coloring failed. It looked moldy, but tasted good.</td></tr>
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We are at the tail end of a two week long spring break for both kids. They are excited to go back to school next week. It has been nice to not have to worry about schedules, but it will be great for the kids to get out of the house more. I've been really bad about that.</div>
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We have had a few appointments with specialists as well. It stresses me out big time because usually they are somewhat far away (at least a half hour) and the appointments last forever. And then there is the added bonus of watching Ezra go through weird tests. This is a picture of his EKG at the cardiologist. He actually smiled a lot during this test because it wasn't invasive, the technician was smiling at him and making funny noises, and he is just a generally happy baby. He was good when I removed all those super sticky things with oil too. His echo however was a little harder. His chest got really cold from the ultrasound equipment and he didn't like being wrapped up for that long. But he passed his tests! The doctor told me his heart looked healthy and strong. I was so relieved. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTfyq5JGWbCOcFwNU6sRgAfPGBI5iJHYIKlA0PlePf4WZvwwpA58fQv80IFc6Hb50nKGfpCrZLQW52XHmGtoqK5mRw5hDKV6OsxnGDTODPua7wyarmv43QesReK5S5bn4JinzXEiF2SRs/s1600/IMG_0282.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTfyq5JGWbCOcFwNU6sRgAfPGBI5iJHYIKlA0PlePf4WZvwwpA58fQv80IFc6Hb50nKGfpCrZLQW52XHmGtoqK5mRw5hDKV6OsxnGDTODPua7wyarmv43QesReK5S5bn4JinzXEiF2SRs/s1600/IMG_0282.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also, he is like 16 pounds! I just laugh at how big this boy is. </td></tr>
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The only one who might be affected by the Ides of March (whatever they are) is Gwen. She is a pretty determined little girl. When she wants to do something, she does it. She likes to help in the kitchen a lot, and she is starting to do math, read, and spell. She can kind of do her own hair (princess Leia style) and she always helps herself to my lip gloss. She is amazingly good at legit puzzles and she puts together her own outfits. I think she is going to be good at whatever she decides to be good at, because she is so determined. At least she still lets me do her nail polish.jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-1461809095772939942014-03-15T22:39:00.002-07:002014-03-15T22:39:25.802-07:00Where we are <div style="text-align: center;">
A week ago I went to Asher's classroom as a Mystery Reader. All the mystery readers that day are supposed to bring a Dr. Seuss book, and I chose Green Eggs and Ham (same as last year). When I came in to read, Asher couldn't wipe the smile off his face. His cheeks were a little rosy and he held my hand and introduced me to the class. He looked so proud. He stood right next to me as I read the book. When I was done, he hugged me and walked me to the door. He is the sweetest most loving boy and I almost want to freeze time so that he stays this way forever... but he is growing up to be such a fun, imaginative, caring boy- so I suppose he can keep growing. He loves playing with Ezra and knows how to resolve problems with his sister. Also, he has the most adorable freckles.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHnpYJzMMnDbaaEbJz4E6E8x7FvQ81P2rPeGLqjrtwfeMioQaaC7BbJ8WjEncaPGaZlnCUmGh8m1gfKXyBcldumaY4_-ZU5jq1uumNakGjRiWSoDam8c2WrRn9E6iacJyxyyWIwF71nb4/s1600/dan_8587.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHnpYJzMMnDbaaEbJz4E6E8x7FvQ81P2rPeGLqjrtwfeMioQaaC7BbJ8WjEncaPGaZlnCUmGh8m1gfKXyBcldumaY4_-ZU5jq1uumNakGjRiWSoDam8c2WrRn9E6iacJyxyyWIwF71nb4/s1600/dan_8587.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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Dan and I went out to eat at Benihana for the first time last night. It was an amazing experience and the food was delicious. It was nice to have an evening out. We left our kids at Dan's sister's house. (Free babysitting for a year is a GREAT Christmas gift, in case you were wondering.) When we came to pick them up, Asher was in his cousin's clothes and he smelled freshly bathed. Turns out he had fallen into the deep end of their pool with no adults around. He has had swimming lessons before, but he is far from proficient. Luckily, his cousin Ericson was there with another friend and they acted quickly. Asher told me that Ericson dove in and pushed him to the wall while the other boy grabbed him and pulled him up. Then Ericson gave him a bath and gave Asher some clothes to borrow. Not bad for a 10 year old. (Funny enough Amy was on her way out when we showed up to collect our kids and she didn't even mention that Asher almost drowned. It must not have registered as a big deal to her, but I was freaked out for the rest of the night.) <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjpaMSRTl3G0m9p5MgG4Kr2iK_T3jKXtvyqbLWuYBAYGb_BWMJd5-dtDK82dAGcB1D1ogS8r9fES8Kx3O53CJDUGSmMUA73XhI3UprYkshh6478h9SjHnpKeRWnZPUM3FgJ2AaOPs1gls/s1600/IMG_0235.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjpaMSRTl3G0m9p5MgG4Kr2iK_T3jKXtvyqbLWuYBAYGb_BWMJd5-dtDK82dAGcB1D1ogS8r9fES8Kx3O53CJDUGSmMUA73XhI3UprYkshh6478h9SjHnpKeRWnZPUM3FgJ2AaOPs1gls/s1600/IMG_0235.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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Gwen is incredibly delightful. She has a hard time being obedient sometimes, but she loves to play and says the sweetest prayers. She enjoys drawing and coloring, and lately she and Asher have been painting with water colors. She is starting to read little words and she can do simple math. She is so smart, and she enjoys books. Today I read Roald Dahl's "The Twits" to her and Asher and they both thought parts of it were very silly. Gwen also loves to sing and dance, and she has an incredible memory. She memorizes Asher's poems for school better and faster than he does. She will sing bits of popular songs that she has only heard a handful of times. She is also getting so big. She is tall and skinny and sometimes I wonder where my little girl has gone. She is such a sweetheart with the baby, and she loves to pretend she is a little mom with her dolls. She is still so girly, but she doesn't mind doing rugged things either. She looked pretty adorable in the fireman gear when we took a preschool trip to the station. I feel kind of bad for missing the trip they took to the dairy farm. It is sure hard to participate 100% of the time with a baby.<br />
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Speaking of the baby... oh, Ezra.</div>
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He is sleepy and adorable and usually very smiley. He seems happiest when we put him on the floor by himself... he just smiles and wiggles away. He enjoys bath time- I want Dan to record it sometime because he is so cute. He also smiles when he sees me and Dan. He enjoys patty-cake and lip tickling. He doesn't cry before he falls asleep. Until recently he was waking up at least once a night, but we let him cry it out once or twice and now he is sleeping through the night... basically from 11pm or so to at least 7am. I'm sure that will change and fluctuate, but for now we are enjoying the much needed rest. </div>
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I call him my "Chunky Monkey" because he is such a chubby baby! I love it. His weight is amazing, and his height is normal, but we are still anxious about his head. Although the CT scan showed no fused sutures at the time, it can still happen. His head is small in proportion with his body and it is starting to be a little more misshapen. Our pediatrician has also pointed out that he has wide-set eyes and a wide head, a high palate and a small pointy chin, all of which can indicate a number of different syndromes. I also noticed a difference in his thumbs: one is normal looking while the other one looks smaller and almost like a twisted finger. The doctor said it is another sign of hypoplasia (like his crooked cry) and now he has to see a long list of specialists. An ENT, a geneticist, an orthopedic surgeon, a cardiologist. We are seeing the urologist this week for unrelated problems... his skin attached itself where it shouldn't. This boy is giving my nerves a test and that is no lie. </div>
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I've been pretty pathetic for holidays. I did not decorate for Valentine's Day, but I did make Valentines for Asher pass out to his class. They are way less cool than the lego light saber cards Dan made for him last year. Gwen just used drug store princess cards for her preschool class. We'll see if I can muster up some energy for St. Patrick's Day... or at least Easter! </div>
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-24235508937262119632014-02-23T13:59:00.001-08:002014-02-23T13:59:03.769-08:00Mills Reunion<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The first weekend of February was great. My family came to Arizona for the weekend, and everyone stayed with us. In our house. It might seem like something that would make me crazy, but I thought it was the best. Everyone got a room except for Tracy. (Sorry, Tracy.) And Jess couldn't come. We missed him. </div>
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I was glad nobody went to a hotel because it was honestly fun to have everyone there in the same place. And my family is cleaner than I am... so although the house was stuffed with people, it stayed very clean. </div>
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Everyone was in town by Friday night. They left by Tuesday morning. It was too short of a stay, but we did a lot. On Friday night we sort of celebrated Billy's birthday. The next day Lori made an epic Funfetti ice-cream layered cake. Also on Saturday all the men built shelves in our garage. On Sunday we went to church and Dan blessed Ezra. We also had "fast Sunday sundaes" at our house that night and there were at least 40 Hixons and Millses singing and eating treats in our house. On Monday we all walked through the Gilbert temple, which was beautiful and a wonderful experience. Afterward we went to Oregano's and had some delicious food.</div>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcGYH7AWUunzdKhCs4xQZLBVdm0kwyDaCdfjfKpD70SKFxhatMvDfVunSH9cEap022M2lE8rBFw212QH1_fTpwXltOaL3VQUOGwLxS1dvQxA52jSCR5TUHx6dMBxtD5avKLfGGcOlV7PA/s1600/dan_7244.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcGYH7AWUunzdKhCs4xQZLBVdm0kwyDaCdfjfKpD70SKFxhatMvDfVunSH9cEap022M2lE8rBFw212QH1_fTpwXltOaL3VQUOGwLxS1dvQxA52jSCR5TUHx6dMBxtD5avKLfGGcOlV7PA/s1600/dan_7244.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">After touring the temple. It is so beautiful! </td></tr>
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We spent a lot of time just talking and hanging out, as well as preparing and consuming food. We solved puzzles on my mom's iPad together and the kids played outside a lot. Kristy also lopped off my (way too long) hair and Tracy curled it all expertly. Lori came bearing gifts of a cute basket and a fabulous sign for Ezra's room that she made and painted. It is awesome, and I will post a picture when I blog about it later. For more pictures and insight, I'm going to link to <a href="http://tracyjeanmills.blogspot.com/2014/02/family-time.html" target="_blank">Tracy's blog post</a>. She doesn't miss a thing.<br />
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I was so happy that everyone was able to come visit us. I hope we all come together again soon. I love and miss my family!jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-33712066794226739312014-01-30T20:35:00.002-08:002014-01-30T20:35:47.299-08:00Love Light<div style="text-align: center;">
We made a little something for Ezra's room. We got the idea and the instructions from <a href="http://ohhappyday.com/2012/06/vintage-marquee-diy/" target="_blank">this site</a>. </div>
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I am doing a subtle circus theme. This light might not look subtle... but I love it with all of my heart. I'm excited to do the rest of the decor, although it isn't coming together as easily as I thought it would. I don't want to go bright red, or bright anything. Maybe light orange and navy? I haven't been finding a lot of luck with fabrics, darn it. </div>
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I promise I'll post the rest of the room when it is done! </div>
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<br />jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-549082722417960252014-01-25T12:32:00.000-08:002014-01-26T06:20:15.733-08:00Ezra, etc.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I never really did the whole birth announcement thing... so here it is. </div>
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This is my boy, and here are his stats: </div>
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It is amazing that he was so overdue and he only weighed one more ounce than Asher did at birth. And it is amazing how different Ezra can look from one picture to the next. But he looks like all of them. Babies are such little chameleons- bundles of possibility. </div>
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Ezra is very sleepy, and he is sweet. He eats well and he has never spit up... but he has projectile pooped on me several times. I try to change his diaper as quick as humanly possible, but it still happens. He also pees as soon as you take his diaper off. </div>
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We went to his one month check yesterday to get shots and check his progress. Ezra is now 11 pounds 7 ounces and 22.5 inches! However his head didn't grow much, and the doctor couldn't feel the soft spot on the top of his head. One of the sutures of his skull might be fused, which would require surgery. We had his head x-rayed yesterday, which was sad, but that is nothing compared to the prospect of skull surgery. I was very anxious and stressed out yesterday, but I got a full 5 hours of sleep last night, so I'm doing much better today. (Only parents of newborns can say that and not sound sarcastic.) I'm also hoping that if the bones are fused it isn't indicative of some scary syndrome. The doctor was worried that might be the case since Ezra also has a high palate and a crooked cry. I think his crooked cry is adorable no matter what. </div>
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We have all been doing well. My aches and pains are going away and I feel ok about the rhythm of life. My goals right now are to feed and tend to Ezra, to make Asher and Gwen feel happy and loved, to feed everyone most of the time, and to try to keep up on laundry. That is it. I don't care that my house is a mess, I don't need to work on any projects or anything. I did take a few students back this month, but one of them is trading me massages, so I feel ok about that. I'm just keeping things as simple as possible and it is working for me. I'll get more ambitious later.</div>
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We have been playing a lot of <i>Uno</i> and a cute card game called <i>Wig Out</i>. Asher and Gwen love it, and it's nice because it is something we can do with a minimum amount of energy. When they want to go crazy they either run around the house and play pretend (mostly Asher fighting invisible foes) or they can play soccer outside with some goals that Dan made, or jump on the trampoline that Dan just re-vamped. It was falling apart, so he had to order new stuff and put it back together. Just in time for all the cousins to come and stay with us! My parents and ALL of my siblings and their families are coming to our home in about a week. They will be at Ezra's blessing, and they are going to walk through the completed Gilbert temple before it is dedicated. I'm so excited!</div>
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We are putting Ezra in Gwen's old room. All her clothes are still in there, but she sleeps in Asher's room. That has been the case for a while. I think it is super weird that I never painted or really decorated her room while she was in it, but we are doing better for Ezra. My WONDERFUL sisters-in-law Rachel and Sara came over one day and helped finish painting the walls. Below is a little sneak peek. They were amazing and fast. I couldn't be happier with the results! Now I just have to get the rest of the room together. I'm excited. </div>
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-18837893572364352322014-01-03T19:19:00.003-08:002014-01-03T19:19:54.459-08:00PS We had Christmas Basically my mom decorated my house for Christmas while I was pregnant. I was more than happy to let her do it, because it is something at which she excels, and I was just not in the mood. Plus, it hurt to move. I know I've mentioned that several times before. And my house never looked prettier!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Asher and Gwen before church... before Ezra was on the scene. <br />Doesn't Asher look like he could host a late night show?</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Grandma gave me this little ceramic Christmas village. So cute! </td></tr>
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We didn't do many activities this December, because I had that baby and all. But we did have Christmas! Christmas Eve was probably my most sleep-deprived night so far. And I thought I was so prepared. We ended up going to bed at 2:00, and then of course I had a newborn to feed... so we felt the need to put up a sign. I would have slept through Christmas morning without it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Classic.</td></tr>
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The kids had a wonderful Christmas. I am sooooo not looking forward to school starting again. </div>
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In other news, it is Dan's and my anniversary today. Twelve years just doesn't seem possible... that's a lot of years! We didn't do anything today, but we did go out to dinner and a movie last night. Saving Mr. Banks was fantastic, we both agreed. And Chipotle is always good. The best thing though is just to be married to him, I am such a lucky girl. I really have the best best friend in the whole world. <br />
<br />jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-86621756102769855362013-12-22T21:06:00.000-08:002013-12-22T21:06:30.777-08:00Miracle of Miracles<i>Wonder of wonders</i><br />
<i>Miracle of miracles</i><br />
<i>I was afraid that God would frown</i><br />
<i>But like he did so long ago in Jericho </i><br />
<i>God just made a wall fall down </i><br />
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After I had my baby, this song was stuck in my head. It came from nowhere. It is not a Christmas song and I haven't seen <i>Fiddler on the Roof</i> lately, but the more I think about it, the more appropriate it is. A week ago I felt terrible, and since I have been depressed before, I couldn't imagine my emotional state changing into anything more positive any time soon. But after my last blog post I received so many notes of encouragement, private and public Facebook messages, and e-mails from friends, family, and acquaintances. People said they had been there, that they had empathy, that they were proud of me for speaking out about where I am and the reality of how I feel. Some people couldn't relate at all, but acknowledged that what I was going through was real. People said they loved me, that they were praying for me. Friends brought treats, they brought meals, they made solid plans to help. I never could have expected this outpouring of love and acceptance. I thought maybe one or two people would awkwardly respond, and that my depression would be ignored. People normally don't know how to deal with a depressed person, but I felt understood and blessed. What an unexpected twist.<br />
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The night before my scheduled induction, my husband and my neighbor prayed over me and gave me a blessing. Dan also fasted. He broke his fast right before they hooked me up to pitocin. I was feeling calm and well. I felt normal, but better. It was amazing.<br />
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After I had been on pitocin for a little while, my doctor stopped by to break my water. I'll save the details for another post, but the labor was fast and I had no relief from drugs. Natural labor (well- natural besides the petocin) was intense and painful, but after I pushed my little boy out they handed him to me and all I could say was "Sweetheart. Sweetheart." I loved him instantly.<br />
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<i>When Moses softened Pharoh's heart</i><br />
<i>That was a miracle</i><br />
<i>When God made the waters of the Red Sea part</i><br />
<i>That was a miracle too... </i><br />
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I was transformed. I really think it was a miracle. Sometimes I feel like I must not have been depressed, because look at where I am now. Of course, I know I was... I know what depression feels like. You just want to be swallowed up by nothingness. But I no longer have those feelings. Not even after all the sleepless nights and the pain and the water retention (I bloat up like a balloon after I have babies).<br />
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I almost feel silly about the amount of help I'm still receiving. We have more meals lined up, people are taking our kids to play during the day, people want to help with housework, etc. I feel almost like a fraud, and maybe we don't need all this help. But then I think that people enjoy serving and showing love, and that it helps us both, and that maybe all this love and support is helping keep my depression at bay. I know it can come back any time. Like I said before, depression is not something that you can control. And having a newborn is still hard.<br />
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For now I am just so grateful. I'm thankful for such a supportive group of friends and family. I didn't have any idea about the amount of people who were willing to jump in and be of assistance to me when I needed it. I also want to make it clear that I did not mean to hurt any feelings in my last post. If you did anything on my "not helpful" list please know that I do not hold you responsible for my depression. I was trying to inform, not to offend. And many people who may have been "not helpful" once have actually helped me again and again at other times in my life. And I am thankful.<br />
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I recently read a little story that I would like to paraphrase: One day a man falls in a hole while he is walking down the street. He begins to yell for help. A doctor walks by, hears the man, and writes a prescription which he throws into the hole. The doctor<br />
continues on his way. The man still yells for help. A priest walks by, throws a bible in the hole and walks on. The man is screaming for help. A friend walks by, hears his buddy yelling, and jumps into the hole. The man asks his friend "Why did you do that? Now we are both down here." to which his friend replies "Yes, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."<br />
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It is difficult to deal with depression. And most people who are depressed cannot express what is happening to them. Heck, I might not be able to tell anyone if I relapse tomorrow. The best thing you can do for anyone who is depressed is to notice if they are in that hole and then be there for them. Every person has different needs and different "helpful" and "not helpful" lists. Just be aware and be available. That is it. And thank you to everyone who has been there for me. You have helped me at a critical time in my life. What a gift it was to have a beautiful birth experience. What a gift it is to have the opportunity to bond with my new baby boy. I love him. I love him. I love him.<br />
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<i>But of all God's miracles large and small</i><br />
<i>The most miraculous one of all</i><br />
<i>Is the one I thought could never be</i><br />
<i>God has given you to me. </i><br />
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PS If you are ever feeling depressed and you need someone to talk to, I will always be available for you. I will try to help you out of that hole if you let me. Even if I'm already in that hole and we happen to bump into each other, we can find our way out together.jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-62717997825171638192013-12-16T14:38:00.000-08:002013-12-16T14:38:24.388-08:00The Dark and DeepGwen just came into my room. "I didn't hear crying anymore, Mom. So I thought to come back." She smiled sweetly and put her head on my arm. It broke my heart all over again.<div>
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I had postpartum depression after Gwen was born. It took me a while to come to terms with how bad it was. Eventually Dan convinced me that not sleeping and crying every night and not being able to stop my body from writhing were abnormal behaviors. I really wanted to be able to take charge of my emotions without medication, but it just wasn't working. Things were getting worse. And admitting to needing drugs made me feel even more helpless and like less of a person. I cried in the doctor's office. I was on medication for about 6 months or so, I honestly can't remember. The pills helped to dull what was happening to me, but I still felt like a failure and I didn't feel creative at all. I kept doing the things I was supposed to be doing, trying to enjoy life. Sometimes I was fine, but I was never normal. One day, about a year after I had Gwen and I had been off the pills for a while my husband said "You did something the other day... I can't remember what it was, but I thought 'she used to do that.'" Like, yay- it has been a year and I'm finally sort of kind of coming back to normal. Things got better. And that experience brought me wisdom and empathy for people who suffer from mental maladies. Also, after this experience we weren't sure about having a bunch of kids- because going through that was the worst, for me and for my family.</div>
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But after a few years we decided to try for a third. I was feeling good about being pregnant with this one. I was. I thought "Ok, it looks like I'll be having this baby in early December, if not November! My body is getting so ready... and Gwen was two weeks early after all." So when the baby didn't come and didn't come and people were always asking me about it, I felt a loss of control. Like I am supposed to have this baby and I'm not accomplishing the one thing I'm supposed to do. And it was getting harder and harder to move. I hurt more and more. I mean, who walks around at a 4 (a 5 now) for weeks and doesn't feel uncomfortable? I was doing less: not cleaning. Not cooking much. Not doing anything except walking around and waiting for this baby to come out. I was sure it would be any day. People predicted the 4th. That day came and went. No big deal. But as my due date approached, I felt it coming. That old relentless monster: Depression. I prayed and prayed and recruited other people to pray and prayed that the baby would come out so that I could stave off that Beast. But it didn't work. My due date was terrible. I stayed in my room all day crying on and off. I cried in the bathroom, I cried in my closet. I cried in bed and I cried in the shower. I sobbed all day, but that didn't start contractions. </div>
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Let me be clear, I've tried everything there is to try when it comes to naturally triggering labor. I've done acupressure, essential oils, induction massage, all the textbook physical stuff, taking evening primrose oil, eating the stuff people swear puts you into labor... I even had my membranes stripped. Twice. I've been doing these things for weeks. When I was given the induction date of December 17, I cried. I made it out of the Doctor's office, but I got into my car and sobbed. This is not what I wanted. </div>
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And now, I've been trying to maintain some sort of positive outlook. It works and then it doesn't. I haven't gone to church in two weeks because I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I'm usually good at putting on my happy mask (who says you don't use a theater degree?)-- but I can't right now. Dan has taken over drop-off and pick-up responsibilities with our kids. The thing I hate most of all is how I feel towards this baby. (Please keep in mind that I am trying to cling on to sanity here.) I hate this baby. I don't want it. I could give it up for adoption and never see it and that would be totally fine with me. Before my due date, I loved this baby. I was excited. Now I just think of it as a burden and a thing that is putting me through a lot of unnecessary pain and anguish. I see it as the reason for my loss of control. I cannot imagine a good birth experience at this point. The aftermath of birth is painful and disgusting. Also, I know that once the baby is born it will rob me of sleep, sanity, all of my time, and it will make me fat for a year at the very least. I have enough of a rational mind left that I feel shame at these thoughts. I know I love my children and that I prayed for this baby. I know these dark thoughts are not acceptable. But I cannot imagine feeling good when they place it in my arms. I don't even want to hold it. How am I going to make it through labor if I don't even care about what I get at the end? </div>
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And I am most certainly depressed right now. Just in case that wasn't clear. I've been wearing the same ugly ill-fitting clothes for two and a half days. I've been crying. Depression is something you cannot control through force of will. I cannot "just think happy thoughts" or "chin up" or "put on a happy face." So if you tell me these things, please know you are contributing to my depression. When I am depressed it also makes me feel incredibly guilty. And during the holidays? Triple the guilt. This is December, for goodness sake. I'm having a baby right before Christmas, <i>isn't that the best present ever?!?!</i> I should feel excited and all Christmas Cheer-y. I don't. I hate it. I didn't want to have a baby right before Christmas, and being pregnant and overdue has kept our family from participating in all kinds of holiday activities. Not to mention this kid is going to HATE having his birthday right before Christmas. This has been the unhappiest December of my life.</div>
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So now that we have established that I am depressed, I am going to attempt to explain things that are helpful and not so helpful. Firstly, when I was going through PPD a few years ago I had a birthday brunch with some family members. They asked how my depression was going (like it was a project I was working on or something) and asked what they could do to help. It was hard to admit, but I finally told them that they could take my kids away from me for a few hours here and there. Any time convenient would be helpful. None of them ever did it. Now, I'm not blaming them for anything... but it is not helpful to ask how you can help and then not follow through. If you want to help and you get an answer of how to help, make sure you DO it. </div>
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<u>Here is a list of things that are helpful to me:</u></div>
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-Taking my kids away to play. I'm an introvert. Having time to recharge on my own is super helpful.</div>
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-Cleaning my house. But seriously, only the parts I want you to clean. If I am embarrassed by the state of my craft room, don't go in there. If you do it anyway it will cause me to feel shame and distress, which contributes to my depression. Also, do NOT organize anything. More on that later.</div>
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-Making a meal or food of any kind. </div>
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-Dropping off a treat, a gift, or a kind note. Even if I don't want to see you or come to the door, it is still appreciated, I promise. </div>
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-Communicating with my husband instead of with me. I'm not usually a fan of talking on the phone anyway, but when I am depressed it is the absolute last thing I want to do. If you coordinate a meal or something with my husband, I will appreciate you. And it will be even better if I don't have to talk to anyone about how I am doing and how much help I need.</div>
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-You CAN write me an email or text me. Most of the things people say aren't super helpful, but sometimes it is nice not to feel like an outcast. I don't have many friends as it is, which is kind of by choice and honestly fine, but to never hear from anyone can contribute to depression.</div>
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<u>Here is a list of NOT HELPFUL things:</u></div>
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-Telling me that "happiness is a choice" or something along those lines. Sure, sometimes it is. But sometimes it is not. And I promise you will be contributing to my depression if you write or utter anything like that.</div>
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-Asking me if I've had my baby yet. Some people do this in the sweetest way, and my close friends can actually get away with it. But everyone else is running the risk of getting punched in the face.</div>
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-Seeing pictures of babies in the hospital with their smiling beautiful skinny mommies- especially if your due date was around mine or after mine. </div>
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-Telling me how to induce labor, or giving me opinions of any kind on labor and delivery. There was a time when this was interesting to me... now it just upsets me. </div>
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-Doing my laundry. There are a few things that I am super particular about. Laundry is one of those things. Sometimes I get really behind or someone pees on something and my husband puts a load in. Usually it is fine, but there have been a few things ruined because they weren't supposed to be laundered or put in the drier or whatever. Some stains have been permanently set in, etc. Usually it is the "favorites" that get ruined, which makes me sad. Also, laundry is something I don't mind. If you take that chore away from me I feel like I am literally good for nothing. Like I'm not even capable of keeping on top of the ONE chore I don't mind. </div>
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-Organizing my things. Listen, I know I am a chaotic person. I'm trying to get better at organizing. But there are some things in my house that are just always messy. Or maybe things look different than the way you would do it. Or maybe you are trying to put things away and you don't know where they go. Seriously, if you are at my house, do not move anything without asking me. You might think you are doing me the most amazing favor by moving my stuff around, but that is one of the very worst things you could do. If I can't find things in my own house, it makes me feel a greater loss of control. It sets off my depression big time. Just over the course of today I went to look for two things and I couldn't find them because someone else had moved them out of love and a desire for rooms to be cleaner. I cried. I cried and cried. Something about other people organizing my stuff makes me incredibly sad. First of all, it feels very personal to have someone sort through your things without you, even if it is something as impersonal as dishes. And there is a difference by the way in throwing toys in a toy box or straightening up a book shelf or putting papers in a pile and <i>deciding where things should live</i>. I don't care if you put things away... if there are groceries on the counter and you see where the cereal boxes live, knock yourself out. Even if there are a pile of papers all over the place and you find an empty cardboard box and put the stuff in there for me to sort later, that is just fine. But if you start thinking to yourself "Hmm. I could sort these things for her." or "The way she has the clothes in the closet just doesn't make sense. Let me rearrange things so that everything is easier to see." Just stop right there. You will cause me a crazy amount of stress and distress if you organize things for me. I promise. Not helpful. (Sorry about the novel, but this has been done for me many times and it makes me cry every time.) </div>
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-Telling me to try harder with my appearance. This is for down the road when I am a sweaty and fat nursing mom, but sometimes people tell me that it would make me feel better to get a haircut or buy a really cute pair of jeans in my larger size instead of waiting to lose weight to fit back into my clothes. First of all, this is annoying because it implies that I don't look good and that is somehow a terrible thing. Secondly, we all have different priorities and maybe I don't want to waste money on something like that right now. Also, I am one of those weirdos that thinks women shouldn't be killing themselves over their appearances all the time. Thirdly, do I want to look like I'm <i>trying</i> to look cute when I don't feel cute at all? Do I want to be that girl wearing the outfit that would look <i>great</i> on a skinny runway model but it looks atrocious on the sweaty fat nursing mom? No. I'll stick to sweat pants and oily hair most of the time, thanks. At least that way I just am what I am and I don't have to depress myself about trying to look cute when it is impossible. </div>
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That is pretty much it. I'm sure the lists are not complete, and it is hard to write constructively about depression while you are depressed. The one thing I am concentrating on most of all right now is feeling love towards this baby. If I could change one thought in my head, it would be that. My induction is tomorrow. I am able to climb out of the depression every once in a while, and I'm hoping I can make it tomorrow somehow. It feels better just to put this out there, although it feels worse at the same time because anyone who hasn't experienced this sort of thing may be judgmental about it. Oh well. I can't control what you think. I can barely control myself. But at least now you have a chance to understand me, and if you want to be helpful, you have a rough guideline. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-50657224607724034722013-12-13T09:55:00.001-08:002013-12-13T09:56:12.651-08:00Baby, All I Want for Christmas is You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I went to the doctor a few days ago... he says I am dilated to a 5 with the baby in zero position. I am mostly effaced. I've been walking around like this for a while now. It hurts. It sucks. I don't know why I am not in labor. I've been dilated to at least a 3 and 70% effaced for over a month. I've had my membranes stripped twice, and I have tried acupressure, essential oils, squats and jumping jacks, eating certain foods, ingesting evening primrose oil, prayer, and every other thing suggested by friends and websites. Except castor oil. I won't go that far. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I am not amused. </td></tr>
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I took the above "selfie" over a week ago. I didn't think I could get much bigger. I WAS WRONG. I feel like I have doubled in size since then. My belly no longer looks like a pregnant woman's belly... it looks like a fat man's humongous beer belly. I imagine my baby weighs about ten pounds. And I am still going to try a natural labor... yikes!!<br />
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My mom was here for almost two weeks, but she left today to go to Sierra's baptism back in Utah. She is going to be flying right back afterward, and hopefully she will actually get to see her new grandson this time! I don't think she was planning on staying for so long. December is a busy month. But this baby has just not wanted to come out!<br />
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On my due date I was so depressed I didn't go to church. I've kind of come out of that depression, but it was really bad that day. On Monday Asher had some sort of eye/ear infection, so we decided he could stay home for two days. We tried to have a very active and fun-filled Monday... we walked around some model homes, we ate lunch at The Apple Dumpling Cafe, my mom and Gwen and I all walked home while Dan took Asher to the doctor. I taught a last minute voice lesson, because hey, why not? And then we went to see Frozen in the theaters. It was a cute movie. Asher loved it, Gwen was scared a lot.<br />
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I went to my final OB appointment on Wednesday. My doctor is very nice and I like him a lot, but he gave me the induction date of December 17th. I think if I am still pregnant on the 17th I will be wishing for death. I was so sad that I burst into tears after I walked out of the office.<br />
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We went to the Mesa temple lights on Wednesday night. They were beautiful, but I couldn't enjoy them really because walking hurts so badly right now. We went out to eat at Freddy's last night. I have stopped caring about what goes in my body... so I ate an enormous amount of fries, a burger, some chili fries (with a jalapeƱo slice, just to see if it would put me into labor) and some bites of ice-cream. I was super stuffed. <br />
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I have missed out on many things this December. We did make it to our church Christmas party on the 6th, but I didn't go to book club (in December they do a nice dinner and book exchange, and I read the book and really wanted to talk about it), the RS dinner (which I was sort of supposed to be in charge of, but of course with the timing of this baby I put almost all of the responsibility on others), and I also wanted to make it to some live theater shows. I'm going to keep missing things, but I don't care as long as the baby comes out.<br />
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On the bright side, our house looks nice and clean because my mom was here waiting for the baby. She also decorated for Christmas, which I just didn't have the energy to do. Our front rooms and our tree look amazing. And it was fun to just be with her and the kids have loved having Grandma around. She is a very helpful person and relaxing presence, I am blessed to have her as my mother. Let's hope she has something to come back for soon!jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-75935010401579077302013-11-30T00:08:00.000-08:002013-11-30T00:08:45.761-08:00November so farDan had a birthday. I got him a better lawn mower, a book, and a few things for his guns. The kids made him cards. Since his birthday was on a Saturday we were treated to lunch at Liberty Market with Stephen and Rachel while our kids played at their house. Dan made his own cake (wife fail)... but he said it was a good day. We were going to go shooting with AZ family, but some couldn't make it so we rescheduled for the next Saturday. Dan ended up being sick, but he went anyway. I stayed home because I am just feeling more and more pregnant every day. I can't stand up for long periods of time, and I have a hard time sleeping. I think this is the hardest "home stretch" out of my three pregnancies so far, which is kind of funny since I was working so hard before my other two and this one I've been taking it easy. I also have more anxiety and am sometimes moody. I am looking forward to meeting this little guy. My doctor says it could be any day now, but he has been saying that for weeks. I guess I was really progressed, and then I just haven't changed from then.<br />
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Gwen had a birthday too. She had a tea party with five friends. It was really cute, the girls would play soccer in their pretty clothes, and then come in and do girly things. Lest you think I'm some kind of super woman, I did not decorate for this party. I traded voice lessons for this, and I'm so glad I did. It was hard enough for me to put together the food, and I didn't even make the cake. Gwen LOVED her party and her gifts, though. She sure is a light in my life. I can't believe she is FOUR!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">How cute is this?</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">My pregnant belly makes a cameo. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">P.S. She still fits into the Alice dress I made her when she was not quite two years old. She is petite. </td></tr>
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<br />We also went to "Frontier Days" at Asher's school, which is CTA's annual carnival fundraiser. I took pictures, but none of them were great because the event is at night. There was a DJ and food just like last year. Our kids rode the train, and Gwen rode a real pony while Asher did all the booths with Dan. (Well, Gwen's pony ride was probably 10 seconds long... but we sure waited in line for a long time.) Asher and Gwen also did a lot of bounce house-like activities. They were really into those this year.<br />
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I also got it into my head that we needed to paint stripes in our 1/2 bathroom downstairs. It has been on my list for a while, but honestly there are other far more pressing things that I still need to do. Oh well, something got done! Yay us! In real life you can see a lot of paint where it is not suppose to be, but I still love it. Maybe someday I will get around to cleaning up the edges. </div>
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Last but not least, we just had Thanksgiving at Stephen and Rachel's. There were about 33 people there. The tables were decorated beautifully, and the food was good. We brought a green bean casserole and a chocolate haupia pie. And that note you see in the picture is one of my favorite traditions. Every time we go to S&R Hixon's for Thanksgiving a member of their family writes a personal letter of gratitude to each guest. One year I got a note from Jake- this year it was from Chip. Those teenage boys sure are sweet.<br />
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Also that morning the whole group (except me and Gwen) went to a place called "Feed my Starving Children" and helped pack food for the hungry. Dan and Asher had a great experience with it, and I can't wait to participate in the future. I'll need to get this baby out of me first... and hire a babysitter.<br />
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I'm really coming into home stretch, although I've almost totally given up on it. I feel like I'm going to be pregnant forever. :) But I've cancelled all lessons for the month of December, and my due date is right around the corner. Now we are just playing the waiting game. </div>
jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026989841244594740.post-38063008071837715542013-11-11T20:23:00.002-08:002013-11-11T20:23:16.909-08:00China, Sedona, and so forth.In September Dan went to China for a week. I was sad to miss an adventure, but it was a business trip and I wasn't invited. It turns out the only thing I missed was karaoke and a lot of factories. Still, it sounded amazing and I want to invent or design something just so I can have an excuse to go there. Maybe someday. Anyway, while he was gone I often stayed up until 1:00am to get all the housework done. I am slow and tired with this pregnancy. My back was killing me and my patience was worn a little thin by the time he came back. But now he is here to keep me company, wash the dishes, and bathe the kids and put them to bed. It was weird having my best friend gone for a week. I sure missed him.<br />
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Then fall break happened. It was so nice to sleep in a little every day. The first weekend of the break we went up to Sedona where Dan's brother and his family have a time share. They wanted Dan to take their family pictures, and they told us to go up a little early so we could have the place to ourselves. It was nice. And minus food and gas, it was a free vacation. Score. We had fun seeing the sights and we ate at a restaurant named Pisa Lisa that had the most amazing salad I have ever tasted in my life. The pizza was good too.<br />
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In October I helped (last minute) with Copperstar's "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" at the Mesa Arts Center. I lead the music for the kids on stage left. I am supposedly getting paid for that, and I got comp tickets for my family and some friends. It was a really great show. And the Saturday matinee that my kids attended was fun. They played in the fountain outside the theater. It was a beautiful day. The weather is finally getting better around here.<br />
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Halloween also happened. I got to go to the pumpkin patch with Gwen's preschool class, which was pretty fun. I also made two Star Wars themed costumes for a family in our neighborhood, and our kids were Harry Potter and Tinkerbell. We had fun at the Trunk-or-Treat a week before, and they had fun trick-or-treating on actual Halloween. Of course, Gwen was sick, and now we are all going through it. 'Tis the season, I guess.<br />
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I'm still teaching a few voice and piano lessons, but I'm planning on taking December off. I'm also teaching a few acting classes for Copperstar in their new studios. They are having a hard time getting going. I'm sure once the word gets out, they will be very busy, because the other teachers are awesome. So far my largest class had 6 people. We'll see how it goes next session. jamie hixonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11809292948395197113noreply@blogger.com2